Friday, May 25, 2018


Chapter 2

Learning that He Had Always Been with Me

I find it impossible to describe the overwhelming panic, fear and confusion that I was experiencing.

 But if I had to name it, I think I would call it emotional or spiritual trauma. 

Now if I had been in a car accident and had an injury to my head, that would be trauma, and I would be urgently taken to the hospital, probably by way of an ambulance.

 This was the kind of urgent feeling I was having about my state of mind.  

I knew I needed help but didn’t know what kind…. or where a person even goes for help when they don’t know where to go? Wow…that sounds as nutty as I was feeling.

I am grateful for my daughter Peggy who suggested she could call her friend Stephanie, who is a Christian Counselor and Life Coach.

I think I said, “Yes!” immediately.

Thankfully Stephanie was willing to accommodate my feelings of urgency. She agreed to see me within a few days.

I had several sessions with Stephanie over the next few months.

These sessions were all spiritual and emotionally healing for me.

All our sessions began with prayer and sometimes more than one.

Next, Stephanie would have me close my eyes as we talked about the emotions that were troubling me.

These discussions always led me back to past experiences, mostly they were childhood experiences.

When your eyes are shut, and the focus is on looking at your emotional pain, memories will often surface bringing you to where and what in your past needs to be examined.

Most of the time you’ll be looking for a false belief system or misunderstanding about life and or relationships.

This was the intent of these sessions with Stephanie; to find the source/memory of the pain. Then using the scriptures, she would help me separate my pain or illusions about life from the truth.

One unique thing that Stephanie used in these memory sessions was to ask me to ‘look for God’ in each memory. Her belief is that He is always with us, we are never alone.

During one of these sessions I went back to a memory when I was four years old.

Mom is in the house taking a nap with my baby brother.

Although she would most times make me nap with them, this time she told me I could play in the back yard. I was told to stay in the back away from the front yard and the street.

But here I’m playing near some rose bushes in the front yard, on the sidewalk right near the street.

Looking around me I suddenly noticed a man walking toward me from a couple of blocks away.

His manner of walking and his dress were disturbing to me.

Seems like he might have been limping and maybe he was homeless?

Right away I felt like he was coming to get me, and I was totally struck with fear.

Quickly I ran to the back yard and scrambled up the steps to our back door. Turning the door knob, I began to panic when the door would not open.  

I frantically knocked as hard as I could, but mom didn’t come.

By now my fearful little heart was beating a mile a minute as I considered trying to get in through the front door.

Without a moment to waste I quickly ran around the side of the house, up the driveway and back to the sidewalk by the rose bushes.

Yes, I went back to check on the man, who still is coming to get me, and he is getting very close now.

Panting and out of breath I scurried up the steps to the front of the house and tried the door.

It’s locked as well. Why did my mother lock me out?

She’s never done this before, why does she not care about me?

Why does she not here me desperately pounding with my four-year-old fist…let me in!

Once more I run back around the side of the house and up the driveway thinking I should try the front door again.

But this time I am met by the man who is now walking up the drive way right toward me.

Frozen in my tracks I can do nothing now but stand there awaiting my doom.

As the man reaches me he simply asks if I know where a certain street is.

I remember just pointing back toward the street in hopes he would leave.

And to my relief, He promptly did.

This little memory brought with it a lot of painful emotions and illusions about life for me.

But what shocked and amazed me about this session, happened when Stephanie asked, “Where is God?”

I answered her that I didn’t know where he was.  I thought he just wasn’t there.

In fact, I thought that if he had been there, then this scary experience probably wouldn’t have happened to me.

In fact, no one was with me.

I couldn’t even make my mother hear my frantic knocking for help.

“Look again”, she insisted.

So, to appease her, I looked again…first up in the sky, then around the yard, and finally up the driveway…But there was no God.

Then, just as I was about to say, “I can’t find him”, I had the sensation that someone was behind me.

As I focused on that sensation… the Savior came into focus for me.

I saw him now in my memory.

He was standing directly behind me with both his hands placed on my shoulders.  

I can’t describe the feeling of intense love that totally filled me as I realized He was there with me on that day.

My perception and understanding of the scriptures that tell us he is always with us changed that day.

My eyes filled with tears as I tried to explain to Stephanie what I was now seeing.

As I said before, these sessions were ‘spiritual experiences’ and so the lessons I learned there were spiritual.  

They nevertheless were very real.

Not everything you learn in this life should be based on physical laws and man’s scientific theory.

Some of the most beautiful things to experience are taught from spirit to spirit.

For it is with our spirit we learn the things of God.

His Spirit to Be with You


Second Counselor in the First Presidency



“More precious than a memory of events is the memory of the Holy Ghost touching our hearts and His continuing affirmation of truth. More precious than seeing with our eyes or remembering words spoken and read is recalling the feelings that accompanied the quiet voice of the Spirit. Rarely I have felt it exactly as the travelers on the road to Emmaus did—as a soft but unmistakable burning in the heart. More often it is a feeling of light and quiet assurance.”

To Be Continued…

Playing Hide and Seek with Emotional Pain

Wednesday, May 23, 2018


May 22, 2018

LEARNING FROM LIFE’S STRUGGLES


The Storm of Desperation…

In the summer of 2014 I was at one of the lowest times of my life.

A few months earlier I had come from a relationship that had left me feeling broken, sad, forsaken, lost and helpless.

I felt like my heart and soul had been shattered into a million jagged and sharp pieces.

But the worse part was that my thoughts were irrational, and I was emotionally out of control.

Mere words cannot describe the scenes and scenarios that were in constant motion in my head and heart all day and night. They seemed to be repeating themselves; stuck on repeat like some sort of penitence or torment to drive me over the edge of insanity.

I was angry and discouraged with relationships; I couldn’t even watch a movie that involved a relationship. Even if the movie was funny; the whole audience would be rolling with laughter and I was just left with feelings of rage and disgust for both the genders.

This emotional upheaval had me spinning down and out and into a place I didn’t recognize.

In fact, I didn’t recognize me anymore. I felt completely lost and desperate and could not make any sense as to how this affliction could be mended.

We humans, (I’m supposing that most others are like me) are so interesting, when it comes to what we will try first when we are sick, hurt, broken or in despair.

Whether my ailments are physical, spiritual or emotional, I never fail to try for the easiest option or get well right now remedy.  But as I’ve learned easiest is not always the best.

One of the first remedies I decided I needed for my desperate heart was a sedative, or nerve pill.

This is what I remembered hearing my mother call it, when she thought someone was ‘Off their Rocker’ or acting insane. I can still hear her saying, “Someone put her out of her misery and give her a ‘nerve pill’. That will calm her down”.

Well, the day had finally come that I was she whom my mother had described…out of control, off my rocker and feeling very insane. I was deeply in need of a nerve pill.

Ask and you will receive… I did find one… and yes, I took it.

It helped.

I remember thinking right before I fell asleep,” Yay, this is going to work…I’m going to be all better now!” Then I drifted off into sweet sleep.

But as soon as the effects of the pill wore-off I woke up…and guess what?  

I was back to desperation.

Taking that pill was like trying to put a bandage over a cannon-ball wound and expecting everything to miraculously be healed.

Nothing I tried worked.

I walked the floor for days considering several other options like “running a way”.  Truly I did think that that might work, until I realized it was me I wanted to run away from.  

Finally, the thought came to me…… that there was no way anyone or anything could fix how I felt…unless it was the Lord.

With a broken heart and tears rolling down my cheeks I asked one of my brothers to please give me a blessing. He being a good and kind brother agreed. He then laid his hands upon my head and willingly and beautifully called on the Lord to bless and comfort me. He asked that I would be led to the things that would help me.  He then admonished me to trust in the Lord. He also told me to trust in my-self and my ability to follow the counsel and direction the Lord would surely give me.

Looking back on that summer day, I remember hoping my brother would ask the Lord to just heal me and take the desperation away. Although the prayer was comforting I was not healed that day.

But hind-sight as shown me the Lord had something else in mind for me.  Instead of a quick fix, the Lord wanted to restore my soul and change my heart.

He did not remove the storm of desperation but held my hand and He did lead me through it.

Broken Things to Mend


 Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostle

The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”1 Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.

To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry…He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be...

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”2



I posted just a small part of this beautiful and comforting talk given by an apostle of our Lord, mostly because I want to share what this verse of scripture has come to mean to me over the past four years.

I have heard this scripture many times in my life and every time I did, I always pictured myself yoked and weighted down by this gigantically heavy wooden yoke, the kind typically worn by two large oxen. In my mind they would always be pulling a great burdensome load.

Although I had always pictured this yoke as a two oxen yoke, not once did I ever notice the Savior beside me in this task.

Each time I ever considered taking His yoke upon me I only saw myself. 

Somehow, I believed that if I took His yoke upon me I would be so overwhelmed with the load that I would fall. For it was truly a load that only the Savior of mankind could possibly lift, and I did not see how this could be easy and light for me.   

The thought would always come to me that I did not understand this scripture.

For sure I did not.

However, I remember reading it about a year ago and a completely new picture formed in my mind.

This time, I saw the Savior pick me up from off the dusty ground and yoke Himself to me and my burdens. I pictured Him bearing this yoke right along beside me.

As I saw Him there, with me for the first time, I felt the weight of my afflictions lift… I witnessed him in His strength and power totally carrying the weight of this gigantic wooded yoke. The same yoke I had always imagined was mine alone to bear.

He lifted and carried for me what I was incapable of carrying. Totally easing my burden and pain with His atonement.

Looking into His eyes, in this same moment,  I saw compassion and a greater love and sympathy for me than I had ever known existed.

I saw for the first time one who knew me as no one ever has before. Yet knowing all my weaknesses and sins as He does, He was still willing to yoke Himself to me.

For the first time for me, this scripture took on a feeling of lightness, love, compassion and yes, rest.

I heard for the first time Him encouraging me to share my burdens with Him.

I heard him tell me that  if I would be willing, He would show me how meekness and lowliness of heart would bring rest to my soul.

 So, no…on the day my brother rested his hands upon my head and blessed me that my desperation would be comforted, it was not immediately taken from me.

Truly the Savior knew what I needed better than I did….and because of this, I have been blessed in ways that I would never have understood I needed.

Proverbs 3:5-6 King James Version (KJV)


Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths



 He has always been with me…


I was living with my daughter, Peggy, in South Carolina at the time of my “Desperation” …

It was Peggy’s floors, where I before mentioned, where I had paced day and night trying desperately to find my way out of this dark emotional abyss I had fallen into.

She and some other family members who knew how lost I was feeling, were all very concerned for me. I talked openly to Peggy hoping by so doing she might think of some way to help me.

As I talked with Peggy one afternoon I told her I had decided to talk to someone professional  who could help me better understand my emotional and irrational thoughts and feelings. I thought maybe I needed to see a Psychologist or therapist of some kind.

Peggy told me about her friend, Stephanie who was a Christian counselor. She would call her if I wanted and see about getting me an appointment.

To Be Continued….

Friday, November 18, 2016

SURROUNDED BY LIGHT IN THE MIDST OF DARKNESS…
Some time ago, I read…or tried to read, Henry David Thoreau’s book ‘Walden’.
Years after this struggle to read it… one particular passage in the book comes to my mind as I think about my new found feelings about light.

One afternoon I told my youngest son, Brian, that I had just finished reading, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom.  I explained to him that his older brother, Bobby had given it to me to read, excited to share a book with his mother that had inspired him.

As I talked about the book, Brian listen intently until I was finished…then he stood up to leave the room saying he would be right back. He returned to me in a few minutes with another book in his hand, “Here Mom, read this one…This book has inspired and meant a great deal to me at a time when I wasn’t sure what I believed anymore.”
I took the book, ‘Walden’ from Brian and placed the other book…The Five People You Meet in Heaven, in his hands. Bobby had instructed me to pass the book on to another reader when I had finished.

I found reading the book ‘Walden’ to be over-my-head for the most part, but I struggled to read it anyway because I wanted very much to know what had inspired my son.
I found there were very few places in the book that touched me as it had so obviously done for him. This was witnessed to me by the many highlights of certain passages and notes he made in the margins.  Some of the notes and highlights surprised me…because I couldn’t understand why he had felt so strongly about them. For the life of me, I could not see how they merited…the bright yellow “high-lighting”. But still, I took great delight in reading over and over these several highlighted passages as if I were a detective in search of my son’s inspirational journey.

The more I read, the more I was filled with wonder about what he had found there. What had he found in these highlighted passages that I could not see in the same way?
 I also found it interesting that the passages in the book that I had felt were worth highlighting, had not been marked by my son, nor did they win any notes in the margins.
In fact one of these passages struck me so profoundly that I was brought to feelings of awe and tenderness.  I could not understand why he had not bothered to highlight this passage. He had not even made so much as a chicken-scratch next to the paragraph. Had he gotten distracted and missed this part I wondered?

 When I read it…immediately I knew the author was baring testimony of the almighty as our creator…"How did these beautiful rainbow-tints get into the shell of the fresh-water clam, buried in the mud at the bottom of our dark river?

Here the author describes where the clams live embedded in the thick and slimy mud at the absolute bottom of darkness. Their abode was a place where no light had ever shone. Yet the clam’s shells were tinted with the colors of the rainbow.

How is it that a place so dark as to never before been influenced by the rays of the sun is tented with the colors of light? Why?

Although he did not say so, I think the author was testifying of his belief that God had marked the clam shells because he wanted us to understand that he was the creator of both heaven and earth and all that is in them.

This reading experience happened to me in 2011, almost 6 years ago. However I have reflected on this quote from the book many times, but now the quote brings up more questions for me….like why the great creator did really put these beautiful rainbow-tints in these clams? Was it just so we would wonder about why he did it, or was he trying to get us to see something else?

I’m not sure what Thoreau intended the reader to think or assume with this passage about these clams but to me, I see a lesson here about where God has placed his light and truth on this earth and how to find it.

Let me try to explain a little better…

I have been to my rock bottom or dark and muddy place…just like the clams…with thick darkness surrounding me on every side…and I testify that the light of the world was there for me.

I have come to believe that as I search for the light of Christ, I will find what I am looking for and what I need and in the right amount and in the timing that is best for me. 

And just so there is no misunderstanding, when I speak of the light of Christ in this posting I am referring to God’s truth and goodness.

Whatever amount of light I am capable of seeing… its there all around me…just waiting to be recognized…

Think of the most honorable, loyal, kind and loving parent you have ever known…now multiply that by a million and that is our Father in Heaven.

We are all loved with a love that is immeasurable, undefinable unrestricted and unlimited… and in such a way that it is unfathomable and baffling to even the greatest of human minds. Not because of anything we can do or be but simply because God is our Father and we are his children.

In a very personal way, I have experienced the love of this parent, God my Heavenly Father, who gently and patiently has brought me to his light in many different places and ways in my life time. Each time he does I become a little bit better at trusting and understanding his love.

In this last year I have been blessed to attend a program based on the 12 steps of AA or Alcoholics Anonymous. Each step in this program is supported and enhanced by scripture study. Although the program is based on the same 12 steps as AA it really is amazingly unique.

This program was created for Gods “addict” children, some of which have experience the world’s darkest situations in life. To these his children who have done, said and been of the darkest… he has inspired and given a program filled with light and truth. I have no doubt that it is his handiwork.

These addicts, many of them, come to the Savior as a last resort for they have tried everything humanly possible to recover on their own and found that they were powerless to help themselves. Truly they are searching for light at the bottom of their own dark and mirky rivers.

During the course of the year I have worked through the first 6 steps…and when I say worked….I mean it. It has not been an easy task for me...complete honesty is harder than I thought and is needed to have these steps work in your life.

Even though I still struggle with my darkness, the program has brought me to a new place in my life, a place of more light and finally peace.

However, yes I was drawn to the program…but I did not seek it out. I was looking for recovery and peace but wasn’t sure how to find it.

Sitting in a church meeting one Sunday, a woman was introduced as a missionary for the church’s addiction recovery program. She got up to share her testimony and changed my life forever.

I sat there, listening to her every word… and soaking up everything she said right into my heart. My feelings were so strong I could hardly sit still. I didn’t know why but I knew I needed to have this in my life.

At first I was afraid I wouldn’t be considered an addict among the others who participated… I thought they would think, “Hey, get a real addiction before you come here”. So I thought they would not take me serious if I went to the meetings or even want me there.

Of course I was wrong…I had no idea what it meant to be an addict or even what an addiction looked like. Actually the program teaches us that “anything” that keeps you separated from the spirit and light of the Lord can be an addiction.

I have sat next to recovering addicts from every addiction definition you could possibly consider.  I have heard some amazing and shocking stories from all kinds of recovery addicts who are looking for the light of Christ to heal them.  I have sat next to men and women addicted to everything from heavy drugs to co-dependency, fear, depression, eating disorders, pornography and things like well… just plain feeling empty and lost. In fact there is no darkness that his light cannot heal.

Some of these recovered addicts are now dedicated and loyally serving others in this program and have been for years.

The first time I went to a hard core meeting I was scared to death…thinking I surly do not want to be around people who have done such dark things…but my support person encouraged me to try some more meetings…I say more because for the first 6 months of my attendance in these recovery rooms, I only went to “all women” mtgs. However, my support assured me that I would find myself and be surprised at what I would learn about myself. She was so right.

One of the first times I attended a mixed meeting, I walked in and was kindly greeted by a happy and conservative looking middle aged man wearing a suit (white shirt and tie) on his suit jacket was pinned a name tag…It said he was a missionary for the addiction recovery program and I knew that meant that he was in charge of the meeting that night.

As I listened to him share his story…I learned he had been a lost young man addicted to several hard core drugs of which had led him to more addictions, as well as breaking the law and going straight to jail several times.

Now in recovery…his eyes wet with tears, he bore testimony that the atonement had healed him and that Jesus was his Savior.

As I watched and listened to him, I noticed a tattoo on his forearm. The bottom of the tat was just a little below the hem of his fresh white dress shirt…I wondered if that tatoo was a remnant of his old and former life as an addict? A constant reminder for him…of where he had come from and that the Savior had reached down to his rock bottom darkness and sent the light it took to save him?

I left that meeting, realizing probably for the first time in my life, that the promises that the Lord speaks of in the scriptures are true. The atonement is personal and unique and it is for each and every child on this earth.

I don’t know how the Savior was able to take upon himself all the sins of the world…every sin, sickness, trial, pain, addiction… every darkness we have ever known, everything we have ever done that needs to be paid for…I just know he did it.

And because the atonement was personal…he actually does know exactly how to succor his children…for he alone paid the ultimate price for our sins. He knows every heart personally.
 I sat in the car outside the meeting place for a long time after that meeting just pondering over what I had just witnessed. I had found light…not in any place I would have ever expected to find it. Never the less I had found it.

As I thought about the Savior the praise…”I am the light of the world”…began to be more real to me than I had ever imagined before.

He truly is this light the scriptures speak of. His light is everywhere…its out in plain sight but also in some of the lowliest of hiding places. The light of the world is in the rainbow when you are looking up…but if you are too weak to lift your eyes to heaven… no worries…he will bring that light to you into depths of whatever hell-hole or muddy mirky river you may find your-self in. There is no pit too deep that the atonement cannot reach you.

The Savior does not wait for you to become perfect before he comes to you…He comes to you where you are…at the bottom of the ladder or in the depths of despair. And although he will not force you…he waits with love to answer our calls for light. 

The atonement is not just to save you from death and give you eternal life…but it is literally there to save you, lift you, strengthen you, soften and change your heart and eventually even to sanctify you and make you a new creature in him. The atonement can refine you and make you fit to live with him in heaven. He truly is the light of the world.

Back to the book, Walden…yes that book was over my head…but not my sons head. The light he needed was there when he needed it, and in the right amount and perfect serving size.

As David wrote in the 23rd psalm…He most definitely has prepared a table before you…and he is serving up light.

I have found God’s light in many places in my life time… I have seen his light in its tiniest of ray… its reflection barely recognizable as a glimmer of hope…in contrast I have seen its ever-over-flowing brightness and fullness, with absolutely all and more truth than you could ever think to ask for.

I guess I am just trying to say…we are all in this together…whatever light you need, it is there.

You may partake of all you want, when you want it and when you need it… His light never goes away, but you will need to open your eyes and heart and seek it...

Rest assured it is there in differing amounts and presented in different ways, as many and varied as needed for the many differing vision levels of his children.

How beautiful is this… that that same God who has taught us that “strait is the way and narrow is the path…and few there be that find it”, as made sure to leave light at every turn, at every gate, at every byway, on top of every mountain, in the lowest canyon on the lowest highway that might be walked by any of his children. He is not hiding his light but stands as a lighthouse in the darkness of the valley of the shadow of death.

Surely the love of a God who has left no stone unturned for his children to find, will eventually shed enough light upon us all that we can be guided, step by step, right up to that strait and narrow gate that we must eventually all pass through. This is my hope and prayer for me and for you.

Many of us are still blind to this truth, walking around in the midst of darkness too paralyzed and too afraid to open our eyes and just think outside the box of our own limited perspectives…afraid that the light is a lie or has changed or diminished. Is this true?

I testify to you that it is not... open your eyes…the answers, the peace, hope and the light you need is there even in the midst of your darkness.






Monday, May 11, 2015


This is my explanation of how the “Process” works.

 I attribute the trust I have in the “Process” to my belief that the body is a conduit of truth.

Muscle testing or Kinesiology is a way to tap into that truth.

During the Process, which takes about an hour and a half, muscle testing is used repeatedly to guide, direct, and facilitate the person receiving the process.

A Facilitator is a guide for another who’s desire is to learn what might be triggering pain or causing a breakdown in emotional, physical or spiritual health.

To begin the process the facilitator uses muscle testing to locate the “age of decision”. 

What we are looking for in the process is a decision or belief that is dysfunctional and causing problems in the client’s life.  

To confirm the age that muscle testing brings up, we muscle test a set of emotions and if most of these are “out”, or showing up as present we are at the right age.

The facilitator also uses muscle testing to determine who is involved with the decision, for example it could be Mom, Dad, God, others or all of them.

Then we ask the client to close their eyes and try to locate the child at the age of decision.

We help them with questions about what might have been happening at this time. They will often remember stories they have been told or recall pictures.

The most important thing here is what emotions this brings up.

If the client is having a hard time finding themself at the age of decision, we can muscle test again to find an emotion that is showing up in their energy that needs to be cleared.  

The first age I went to in a process for me was age two. Of course I did not have any vivid memories of being two but could recall pictures and things I had been told about by my parents.

The facilitator then muscle tested for an emotion that needed to be cleared.

 While we discussed what might bring this emotion up for a two year old I was able to get in touch with that feeling (the pain associated with a memory triggering that emotion). The facilitator then asked me to move it for the child by putting it in a shape and color.


Using guided imaginary while my eyes were closed I could see this emotion going into a shape and a color and shifting the negative feelings for the two year old.

The facilitator continues to guide the client thru the process using muscle testing to find emotion points that are out, clearing them and discussing the feelings and beliefs the child might be experiencing. Sometimes memories surface but mostly it’s the pain from the emotional experience that is remembered.

In my first process I learned that a young child is very connected to its mother/father emotionally. In fact a lot of our first experiences with painful emotions begin with those connections with parents. As the Process continued to move I remembered my mother telling me about painful experiences with my Dad cheating on her.

At this time in my life my mother was experiencing trust issues with my Dad. Their relationship showed up painful and negative for me. In order to protect myself I started making decisions, even at this young age, that would later cause trust issues for me in my relationships.

I knew when the emotional pain I was feeling matched the pain caused by the belief I formed to protect myself. The emotion I felt brought clarified for me that I was finding the belief I had formed to protect myself from this kind of pain.

Throughout this process, the facilitator used muscle testing to find emotions for me to clear while we discussed dysfunctional decisions about life and relationships that I might have made because of the painful emotion I was feeling from my mother.

Once the decision or belief is located we discussed how this has served or protected the child as well as what it is costing the child to hold on to that belief. The cost is usually in direct conflict with what the child really wants in life. In my case what I wanted was to be able to love and trust without fear of being betrayed.

Once the child is ready to let go of the old dysfunctional belief the emotion points usually start to hold strong and the client starts to experience a shift in energy.

The facilitator continues to use muscle testing to make sure all emotion is cleared and the dysfunctional belief is identified. When emotion points are holding strong and the client is in what I will call a state of better awareness, we do a clearing.

The clearing is way of moving all negative beliefs and emotions that have been identified in the process by stating them  out loud and then casting them to the Sun (or in my case the Son) to be repolarized into positive energy. We then replace the negative things by stating all the positive attitudes and emotions we now want to replace them with. The client usually starts to feel more energy shifting from negative to positive. There is great power in the words we use to live by and this is also a form of using positive affirmations.

Next we ask the client to call in their higher power.

For most clients I have processed, this will usually be God, but even if the client can’t call in a higher power we surround the client in white light. Using the white light to carry all traces of the dark negative emotions and beliefs away, we ask the client to visualize this happening. Then we ask them to see the higher power or white light absorbing and replacing all the darkness with a gift.

With the giving of the gift comes a message for the client, bringing more enlightenment and shifts in energy.

Energy in the heart begins to shift or change making room for forgiveness and more love.

We continue the visualization by inviting in those who may need to take accountability for the client.

The invited guests come into the white light experience in their white light or higher selves.

We never force a client to invite in anyone but allow the client to only do what they are ready to do. Although it is really empowering for the client when they are finally ready to allow someone to take accountability for their part in the issues causing pain.

We do all the work in the beginning of the process to get to this part in the white light. Where the client can understand the higher purpose for having had a dark painful emotional experience in their life. Here the heart opens and love and forgiveness clear the way for the truth. The truth about who this person has become in spite of or more rightly because of trials and pain. This part of the process is most often very spiritual and refreshing for the client.

Last, continuing the visualization, the adult self comes into the white light to talk to the child self and thank her for doing the best she could to survive. Usually giving understanding as to why she would form such a belief to protect herself. Love, acceptance and understanding are usually expressed to the child…the child-self most wants to be loved and appreciated by the adult self. Teaching us to love and forgive yourself.

At the end the adult takes the child-self wrapped in white light and imagines the child-self integrating back up into who she is today. Then opening her eyes brings the process to completion.

We usually muscle test and use positive confirmations at the end to confirm the process complete.

Monday, December 29, 2014



An Onion in My Soup…

 It has been almost a year now since I last wrote about my efforts to heal. You might have been thinking that my silence about this subject is an indication that I am now all better, fine, healed and living a perfect life.

Really? Come on now.

In my family SILENCE is LOUD and almost ALWAYS means something is NOT quite right.

You know that feeling a mother gets when she realizes the kids are being way too quiet in the back of the house and she better check on them pronto?

Yep, that’s it. Exactly!

So don’t look surprised when I tell you that I’m still in the process of healing.  

And yes -- I am breaking the silence today and admitting that this is taking much, much longer than I first anticipated.

In fact, today I’m very angry about it!!

I am coming to understand that emotional healing is a journey and not a place of final destination.

Really if this didn’t feel so pitiful it would be laughable. While snuggled-up in my warm and safe bed…pillows piled high behind me, once again I find myself too overwhelmed, exhausted, tired, hurt, frustrated and unmotivated to venture out on a Sunday morning. Life on any kind of social scale today sounds exhausting to me.

Here I am, after a year of processing/therapy, studying, praying and learning, still asking myself, “what the hell is wrong with you and why can’t you get a grip on your STUFF?” “Why is this so damn hard?????”

Nothing should be as complicated as THIS has come to be.

Shouldn’t life be easy-breezy-lemon-squeezie?

Ever find yourself wanting to scream to the top of your lungs. Hey!!!! Hey!!!! I did NOT sign up for this damn it!!!@%$^&*%

If so then I am right here with you today, screaming in side.

You may want to stop reading at this point though, because I plan to be brutally blunt about myself, life, love and fear.

A lot of doors for healing emotionally have been opened before my eyes ever since I arrived at “desperate”.

I know I would have never even searched for a healing modality, had I not became aware that I am broken.

Learning I am broken emotionally left me praying desperately for God to heal me.

I had no idea there was any such thing out in the world called “emotional healing therapy”.

Although I was praying for immediate relief, God saw my desperation as an opportunity for growth.

The kind of growth that comes from pushing through the pain instead of having it removed immediately.

The kind of healing/growth that I would never have asked for on purpose.

Why, because I didn’t see it as growing pains, it hurt like nothing I had ever experienced and I just wanted it gone.  

And now a year later, for the sake of madness, writing seems to be the only thing I can think to do at this point.

So please indulge me and forgive my weak writing skills. Writing, like some magical potion, seems to help lessen the pain of my extreme emotional make over.

Getting it out of my head and onto the paper as fast as possible seems like it would be such a relief.

So at the risk of regretting it later… here goes.

I have found my “healing process” to be kind of like pealing and chopping an onion. I wouldn’t want to just drop a huge onion in a pot of soup un-pealed, un-cleaned, and un-chopped.

So no, if you are like me, then you need to prepare it or deal with it before it can enhance the soup.

In fact some people won’t even taste the soup if they can see an onion of any size floating anywhere in it. For them, as for me, the chopping will be a finite task.

It’s too hard to digest it whole…the taste is way too harsh and over-whelming.

There are lots of layers to deal with when pealing and preparing an onion and there is likely to be many tears shed before the chopping process is finished.

So as much as I hate dealing with it, there it is…an onion in my soup.­­­­­­

And even though the process is happening slower than I would like…it is happening as fast as God feels I am able to deal with it, one bite at a time.

Same with this writing…you won’t get the whole story today…that would be too hard to swallow too. You’ll get it in installments. Chopping it up for you and me will make it easier on both of us

“Every man is a moon and has a side which he turns toward nobody: you have to slip around behind it if you want to see it.”



“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.”



 

Not sure which of these two quotes is the correct version penned by Mark Twain…maybe both?

Twain is comparing us to the moon, saying we all have two sides. One that is light that we try to present to the world, and the other one, the dark one, the one we try to hide, ignore and just plain do not understand.

I will admit that I have always known there was a part of me that was capable of darkness. But I would have never called it darkness. I was ashamed of it and would have never admitted it to you.

Why are we so reluctant to really look at it or even admit that we are all capable of it? Darkness…

When I thought about what I should be brutally honest about today…darkness held up his hand. He has been showing his face to me for the last two years begging me to walk closer; begging me to understand him; begging me to try to appreciate what he has to teach me about the light.

For some of you this will be a hard installment to read without judging me. Its ok if you do…it’s hard for me to share it in light of knowing that you might judge me…but I am ready to face that fear.

Believe me I am as stunned to be writing about it as you may be to be reading it here. If you had asked me a year ago to write what I thought about darkness this post would be reading very differently… To me darkness has always been bad.

I want you to know, up front, that I do not believe in or practice any of the things that the world normally associates with “darkness”.

I am just beginning to look a little closer at the darkness in my life in order to better see the light. To even begin to just consider that darkness may be important to me in some greater way than I have ever considered.

God created the universe but did not destroy darkness.

He kept it…he even divided it from the light, making it even more easily notable to us.

It is easy for me to accept that He gave me light as a blessing in my life. It’s easy because I have been taught that light is good.

But because the trials and hard things of life present themselves in darkness, it is not so easy to accept or understand that darkness could possibly be okay.

In order to do so, I would first have to consider that every dark thing in my life might be a blessing of light in some way. 

It’s hard to appreciate that enveloped in the darkness there may very well be the best light, even a key to greater light.

It might help to understand that in some very important ways darkness helps me see physical light that I would never see in the brightness of the sun’s reflection.

For example, the brightest spots on earth are the ones where the most prosperous people live, marshaling money and power to eradicate the dark. Due to light pollution, the Milky Way is now invisible to two-thirds of those living in the United States.


Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor


 


In much the same way that the darkness of the night sky reveals the starry lights of the Milky Way, looking into my darkness may reveal things about my-self that I would never see any other way.

 The following quote says that we are taught to distrust the dark in our youth…and I agree…but I think some of us just naturally distrust what we don’t understand. I know I do.

Distrust of the dark often begins in childhood, with kids called indoors at dusk to keep them safe, and is reinforced as we grow older….with darkness equated to spiritual warfare, depression, nightmares and other adverse notions.


Learning to Walk in the Dark by Barbara Brown Taylor


 

Darkness is Bad?

Before I actually knew who God was I decided that darkness was bad and that I should avoid it at all cost. The following experience determined how greatly I would fear the darkness for the rest of my life.

I don’t think I was much more than four years old when this happened.

Mom and Dad had company past my bed time. I remember being put to bed, light turned off and door closed.

The room was totally dark.

All alone I began to cry, but don’t remember why. Maybe I wanted to stay up and visit?

Shortly after the tears began the feeling in my bedroom changed.

The only way to describe it as a four year old would be that it got darker.  

The darkness was thick and intense.

 And then it happened, I suddenly realized…I wasn’t alone anymore.

All around me were voices of men and women, I say all around me, because it felt like they were swirling in the air just above me. (Although at no time did I see them, I could only hear them). 

They whispered my name repeatedly, over and over, laughing as if to taunt me. This continued for what seemed to be several minutes.

I did not recognize their voices but could tell they knew who I was. 

The louder I cried the more intense the experience became.

I was a pretty terrified little girl at this point and felt I might not survive.

I had never experienced anything like it before. I remember being confused and feeling overwhelmed.  

I know who they were now, as an adult, but that little four year old had no idea who they were or what was happening.

All she knew was that they were real and scary and dark!

Just when I felt doomed - my Mom suddenly opened the door.

As the light from the living room opened up the darkness of the bedroom the voices stopped and I could see that there was no one there. Again I was confused. Where had they gone?

The good news was they were gone.

To me it appeared that the light had been what scared them away. Light had been my savior.

Mother asked me if I wanted the door left open.

All I could do was curl up under my covers and shake my head yes.

I never told her about the voices. I didn’t know how.

I remember the light felt safe and warm. Shortly I fell asleep. 

It was right then and there that I decided that dark was bad.

But just as important as this experience with the dark… was the experience with the light that saved me.

God is so amazing. He always uses every opportunity to turn life’s painful trials around for our benefit and good.

I have to share with you that just now…as I was writing this…I suddenly came to understand that God had used this experience with darkness to teach me about the blessings of His light.

He knew that having this experience would leave a bad feeling in my heart for the rest of my life. He knew it would color and change every other experience I would then have with darkness.  And so as Mom opened the door and light broke the darkness….God blessed that light that flooded my room that night. He blessed it to envelope me in warmth. It was as if I were being cradled in his mighty arms.

I have no doubt now as I am writing this that He sent His angels to bless and comfort a very frightened little four year old girl.  

As the light flooded into my room it surrounded me like a warm fuzzy blanket.

For it seemed that as intense as my fear had been… to that extent was the feeling of protection that the light brought.  And so that night I decided that light was peace, warmth and protection. Light was Good. Light was love.

This experience was not one that as even an adult I would have wanted to revisit. In my healing I have been very cautious not to go there and look at it at all.

It took several therapy sessions for me to trust that I would survive the memory.

Had I continued to choose not to look at this dark experience in my life, sadly I would have never understood the beautiful way that God used it to teach me about light.

 

 


There is a lot of goodness in the dark. I also discovered how inaccurate it is to say, "Its dark outside." If you go outside and check, it's rarely as dark as you think. A single star sheds exquisite light. That was my biggest surprise. But the most significant surprise was finding out that the darkest places in my life--emotional and spiritual, as well as physical--were the places I most needed to go, since that's where all the hidden treasure was. Barbara Brown Taylor

“Often what we most don’t want to look at... is what we most need to see.”

And there you go…the opportunity to understand, appreciate and love the light came from an experience with darkness.

You might say I was enlightened by the intensity of the darkness. Wow!

 

THE DARKNESS WITHIN…

As a young mother with three little girls still not in school, I felt overwhelmed, frustrated and exhausted at times. In fact this was my state of mothering most of the time.

These feelings left me with very little patience.  The impatience left me with guilt. The guilt brought shame that told me I was not a good mother. The worse I felt about myself the worse things became.

Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.


 At this same time my middle daughter, Cheryl – a cute little three-year old, had developed a serious problem. Her knees knocked together and it was interfering with her walking.

Of course we made an appointment with the doctor right away and the problem was quickly addressed. The doctor prescribed some very expensive and corrective little shoes. We could afford one pair.

The importance of the shoes will reveal itself shortly….but for now…

The problem with my impatience had become a trigger for warfare within me.

There was a battle going on in my mind and my heart and it wasn’t long before my impatience was manifested with me losing my temper almost every day.

My hot tempered part was becoming a constant member of my family and my better self really did not like having her there. This conflict just bred more and more warfare within.

Soon my temper displays seemed to be growing into tantrums. This not only worried me but was scaring my children.

One afternoon a temper tantrum rose to a volcanic proportion and boiled over in a most disturbing way.

I had been working on getting myself and my three little girls out the door to a weekly meeting for women…at church (ironically).

Finally everyone was washed, brushed, dressed and fed.
And all that was left to do was to get Cheryl’s special little shoes on her feet.

I felt a great sense of pride that I was able to get myself and my children ready and out the door to a church meeting.

Well it didn’t take long for that feeling to change when I could not find the little shoes.

I looked everywhere I could think of.

The shoes were nowhere to be found.

After about ten minutes of looking, my temper began to boil as I realized we were going to be late to the meeting.

If this had been a cartoon for your viewing pleasure I am sure you would have be able to see the red begin in my feet and rise all the way to the top of my head and then pop the top off.

On a scale of 1 to 10 it was a 32…

All this work getting ready for nothing?

We can’t go now!!!

Why do I even try to do anything right?

You can just imagine where I am going with this dialogue.

It became pretty negative as self-beat-up does…and it was pretty obvious to me that I did not measure up.

I was a bad mother, just plain old bad, bad, bad.

And believe me at this point I WAS!

Because next came…THE ERUPTION!!!

Before I could come to my senses, I had totally demolished the girls little bedroom.

Pulling out all the drawers in the dressers, I proceeded to throw all their little clothes on the floor.

I pulled every last piece of clothing out of the closet.

Emptied all the toy boxes and…disassembled two beds single handedly.

Then I ripped the curtains down out of the windows and threw them on the floor.

The room looked like a war zone when I was finished.

Sorry…this is X rated, but I warned you I was going to be honest.

When I stopped…I was shocked at what I had just done. I stood there for just a moment surveying my battle ground…then…I started to cry.

I turned to leave the crime scene, (with steam from the eruption still rising off my body)…

And there they were ---My three little girls…standing there in the door-way watching me.  

They couldn’t have looked more terrified had they just watched a scene from the movie “The Exorcist”.

They were frozen with fear.

I am not over stating when I say their eyes were so wide they looked like they were going to pop out of their sockets.

There are no words to describe how seeing them look at me with fear made me feel.

They had seen what no child should ever have to see…their mother’s darkness.

I tried to change my expression, wishing I could take what I had just done all back.

But I couldn’t take it back…and for a few moments, we just stood there looking at each other.

I didn’t know how to explain to them what had just happened.

I think I said something like, “Well…I guess we will change the room around a little bit. Mommy will clean this up”, I smiled…  “Don’t worry.”

I walked passed them and went to my bedroom, shut the door, and sat down on the bed.

For the next half hour I thought about what I had just done.

Then I had a conversation with myself…while God listened.

It went something like…  “This cannot continue. Nothing…no meeting anywhere is worth the fear I just saw in my children’s eyes. This is not who I am going to be ever again! Next time I feel the surge of anger rising within me I will stop immediately and come to my room until I am in control.”

After a while I went back out and found the girls sitting in the middle of their messy room playing with their dolls…I didn’t say a word but began to clean and reorganize their room.

They seemed to be ok. Thank God.

For a couple of weeks things were much better and I did seem to have a better handle on myself. At this point I felt pretty good about the possibility of being able to manage my temper.


“Ok…maybe I will try the church meeting again”, I thought.  “I am much better now and everything should be fine.”

It was going pretty easy-peezie…things were coming together just fine.

Finally we were all ready…except for… Cheryl’s little shoes…and I knew exactly where they were this time.

NOT!!

It took about 30 seconds to realize I did not know where the shoes were.

Ok…this was a game changer for me and my mood went from control to OUT OF CONTROL really quickly…it was as if someone had hit a replay button and the dark quiet volcano was beginning to rumble again.

I could feel the heat from my temper rising and the sting of self-judgments were loud and pointed,

“What a job you are…see, you cannot do anything right.”

I started up the steps from the family room in search of the shoes. As I passed my bedroom door I stopped…

Recalling the commitment I had made a couple of weeks prior, I opened the door and quietly shut it behind me.

I sat down on the bed and recalled the commitment I had made to myself and God.

Big tears were starting to flow from my eyes down my cheeks.

I slid off the bed and knelt down at the foot of it.

My prayer was a pleading really, that God would heal my temper.

That He would forgive me and help me to be the mother that He intended these children to have.

I thanked Him for my children and the blessing of being a mother.

I prayed and cried for quite a while…but at no time during the prayer did I ask Him to help me find the little shoes.

I closed my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ.

Within a twinkling of a second I heard a voice tell me to look under the bed.

At the same time I saw in my mind where the shoes were.

I opened my eyes in shock.

I remember slowly reaching down to the bed skirt, right where I was knelling, and lifting it up.

I remember seeing the shoes perfectly a-lined with my knees.

It looked like they had been placed there on purpose.

They were there right where I had knelt to pray.

And right where I had seen them in my mind.

I lifted the little shoes into my hands and stood up…without saying a word or thinking a thought.

I sat down on the bed…still in a state of shock and marveling at what had just happened.

I replayed the experience over and over again in my mind, looking for a logical explanation.

There was no logic in what I had just experienced.

It was something very different than logic.

This was something too tender and merciful to be explained away by man’s limited understandings and reasoning.

When the light goes out in your life…You learn things in the darkness that you would never have learned in the light…things that have saved my life over and over again.

Barbara Brown Taylor

Forty years and lots of experiences with darkness later…the above story of Cheryl’s little shoes still amazes and excites me. Not only that…but it fills me with gratitude.


You may reason this away if you wish…but that won’t change the lesson my heart learned on that day…

One of the darkest and yet one of the most enlightening days of my life as a young mother.

His Darkness and Mine…

I guess I could stop right here in my writings but then you would miss this next story about darkness.

The place, in fact, where this healing journey began…

Because although there is much darkness in the telling of this story…its where the most light lives.

 The place where I first realized I was broken…

The place where my pain was triggered…

The place of confusion and anger…

The place of over-whelment and great sadness…

The place of desperation…

“The only whole heart is a broken one because it lets the light in.”


 “There is a light that shines in the darkness, which is only visible there.”
Barbara Brown Taylor, Learning to Walk in the Dark

I can still see him in my mind…the hurt in his eyes as he shifted his gaze away from me.

I can still feel the weight of the moment it happened.

I have played it over in my head a thousand times, wishing each and every time that the outcome could have been different, better, resolved…forgiven.

He sat forward in his chair, his elbows resting on his knees.

His expression went from hurt, to concern and then quickly to anger.

“What brought this on Linda?”

He was asking me what was wrong, but his tone and body posture triggered something in me that made me feel like I was under attack.

“Something has been bothering you since you got here.”

He was right. I couldn’t believe I had not been able to hide it from him.

I knew if he was aware of my pain and fear he would misunderstand it.

Hell…I didn’t even understand it.

And in spite of the recommendation of my counselor not too….I had come to visit him.

“Linda its best you put some space between the two of you. There is a history of quarreling here - give yourself some time to work thought this a little more.”

Her words echoed through my mind…

She was right. What a mess I have made now.

I was hoping against hope that I could find a way to fix what was broken inside me…without having to stay away from him.

 So, here we were again…facing another impasse. 

“Impasse” was the word he used to describe our disagreements.

Websters dictionary defines “impasse” as; a situation in which no progress seems possible; no obvious escape; or a deadlock…

These impasses, by my definition, were places of darkness…

A place where what is really happening is not being seen, said, or heard…because fear as now come into play and has over-ridden or filtered-out love and balance.

A place of darkness…a personal space where judgment and belief about what is really happening is seen through the eyes of distortion.

He and I always came to this place when we were in disagreement…this place of impasse.

I couldn’t give him an answer that night to his question.

I didn’t know how to tell him what I didn’t understand myself.

I felt like a spectator to our demise…as all I could do was watch our relationship crumble into Impasse

I felt powerless to save it. I watched as his actions became as out of control and helpless as I felt.

He was visibly upset, angry, confused and hurt.

As I watched his reactions to me, it felt like I was looking into a mirror….He seemed to be a reflection of my pain or was I a reflection of his?

It seemed he was feeling everything I was…

I watched him shut me out… and push me away once again.

It was just like every other impasse…except for one thing…

This time I was coming to the very sad realization that…

I was too broken and in too much pain to do anything for the man I loved but hurt him.

We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love.”
Sigmund Freud




Seeing his darkness…

 

It was October and a beautiful evening in east Tennessee when this amazing and very complicated man unexpectedly walked back into my life.

I was separated and divorced now for more than fifteen years from a thirty year marriage.

Of course the divorce had been devastating but enough time had passed that I had finally become comfortable with where I was…

 I had consigned myself to the fact that I would never find another love in this life time.

Anyway, if I believed in fate I would say that “FATE” had something else in mind for me that October night, but I don’t… believe in fate that is.

However, I do believe in God’s blessings.

I believe he answers our prayers…but not always in the way we expect.

Almost from the beginning I believed it was God who had brought him back into my life.

Even now as I’m writing this…I realize I still know this is true.

He was invited by his brother to dinner with a group of friends of whom I was a part.

Our reconnection was pretty typical for two old high school friends who hadn’t seen each other after a whole life time.

That is, there were a few questions, hugs and smiles and that was about it.

There wasn’t too much time for anything else, because there were lots of others in the group to visit with as well.

The evening was getting late and several of the group had started saying their good-byes. He approached a small group of friends who were standing and chatting with me. He smiled and put his arm around me to say good bye.

As I looked up into his smiling face…déjà vu sent total recall buzzing through every memory cell in my heart. It scanned through the years to 1965; opened the file marked ‘high school romance’; and started playing our song.

Okay…that’s pretty dramatic I know….what I mean is I was still attracted to him. :)

While still gazing into his eyes, and I’m sure with a silly grin on my face; I became acutely aware of his hand on my back.

But not until I felt a shiver run up my spine did I snap out of it…“Holy Cow!! Im still attracted to him?”

I was caught off guard with these feelings and so I immediately tried to dismiss them by saying good bye and telling him how nice it had been to see him.

He invited me to call him sometime so we could get together, chat and catch up.

He said his good byes to the group and thanked me for inviting him. He hugged me once more, turned and walked away.

I then turned my conversation back to the others in the little group.

However my attention there was short lived as I was suddenly startled by a dark image in my peripheral vision.

This image totally threw me…and I could not look away from it. It had my total attention so much so, that it scared me.

What is that?

I have always been able to read people’s moods pretty good and have sensed darkness like this at other times in my life.

So, I wasn’t surprised to be seeing it…but I was surprised and shocked at who I saw wearing it.

He was walking away…

His gait was slow and deliberate like there was some great burden holding him back.

His head was bent low and looking toward the floor.

I had the impression he was in deep thought over some very sad circumstance in his life.

He had done such a good job of hiding this in front of me and the dinner crowd.

But now somehow, as he was walking away, his guard was down and darkness seemed to be completely surrounding him. In fact it looked attached.

In a way, it seemed like I was standing there looking at him for several minutes.

But really all this rushed through my thoughts in just a few seconds.

What I didn’t know was why I was seeing this.

Was this some kind of warning for me to stay away… or something else?

 “Why does he look so sad? I didn’t even get to talk to him.” This was all I could think about as I watched him disappear out the door and into the night.

For the next couple of weeks I could not get this image out of my mind.  I replayed the whole scene again and again…picking it apart to try and figure out why the heck I saw this. I really just wanted to find a way to justify dismissing the whole thing as a mistake. But I couldn’t.

I finally determined I had to call him, if I ever hoped to understand.

He was very open, honest and sincere in our first conversation. 

And I was pleasantly surprised to find that he still sounded kind and humble but playful and fun.

The same combination of charm that attracted me to him the first time many years ago.

He told me about the recent death of his mother and all about how he had been the one to find her early that morning.

He talked a lot about his religious belief, a little about his political views, and then just shot the breeze with nonsense…so typical of the young boy I so fondly remembered.

He admitted to me that he had resolved in his life to never marry again. 

And he described for me a regretful trail of failed marriages and lots of other stuff he said he was not proud of.

We talked for almost an hour, mostly about his life and everything he had ever done that he regretted.

I found him to be completely open and sincere. I felt safe.

I can’t remember how it finally came up in the conversation, but just when I had decided I must have imagined the whole darkness thing… he actually brought it up.

 His very words were, “I have a darkness about me Linda”. 

I was stunned that the words fell from his lips so easily…without any prodding from me at all.

Although I was stunned, I tried not to over react, but took his words as my confirmation that what I had seen was indeed his darkness.

So I had seen his darkness…now what?     

Puzzled now are we?

Why would I walk into a relationship where there was darkness?

What good could possibly come from it?

The answer…

At first, I honestly believed that God brought us together because he needed me…this may or may not be true for him…I don’t know for sure. My guess is…he did not need me at all….but you can never really know the power or impact your life might have on someone else.

As for me, my first belief is no longer true...God brought us together because I needed him.

I needed to see his darkness…in order to understand my own.

I needed to love him….in order to know that I desperately need to love myself.

Most people who fall in love find they have a few different ideas or beliefs than their partners. We all view life through the belief systems that we ourselves have created or chosen.

Those of you who have looked into the eyes of a beautiful healthy and lovely little child understand the purity and innocents that accompany that new born into this life.  I believe that this little child has just recently left his home who is God.

God is love, light and balance.

Leaving that world of light and being born into this one…might feel something like waking up in a strange and curiously dark place…not so bad if there is a night light.

For some of us this transition into the world isn’t so bad and seems like a smooth and easy experience.  

First we sit up from our sleep and turn on the night light beside the bed.

Once our eyes have adjusted to this light, we can then move to the light switch on the bedroom wall.

There we can adjust the intensity of the light as our eyes are ready to receive it.

When our eyes have adjusted we are ready to move into the next room or experience.  

This slow moving approach might give you some sense of control.

From this experience you might decide that life isn’t so bad.

Congratulations! You have just established your first belief about your life.  

Another way to enter this life might lead you to a different belief…in fact it may feel like the full blown head-lights-in-your-eyes approach.

This approach to some may feel like life is an on-coming semi on a dark unknown road.

You don’t even have time to see it coming before its glaring in your eyes and piercing your soul.   

The pain is blinding. 

The magnitude of the experience may leave you feeling out of control and that life is a scary place.

You determine right then and there to find a way to deal with being caught off guard the next time.

In this scenario…God bless…you have now formed your first judgment and belief system about life.

No two people on earth will ever have the exact same reaction to any one of life’s thousands of different experiences.

But we will all form belief systems that shade and filter how we see and view life, love, people, relationships and more importantly, ourselves.

We are all walking around with our shades or filters on.  And what is more interesting is that the shades are all different.

Depending on the belief you have determined about your life experiences the darker the filter or shade you might be wearing.

Some shades are pretty dark prepared for the worse of bright lights and others just lightly tinted.

And God bless us…some of us are so accustomed to wearing these filters now that we don’t even realize we have them on.

When I think about what was happening that last night of our relationship now…I realize I was seeing it through my life experiences and beliefs…just as he was seeing it through his.

We were judging the experience through the belief systems we had each created for ourself. Probably beliefs we had chosen many years before we fell in love.

Unfortunately most of us are walking around on the planet still shaded by the first painful exposures of life….Some of us our still viewing life through the sun glasses we created to protect us when we were kids.

 

“You know how to dance in sunlight when everything is going fine, but you have to learn to dance in darkness when the sun is gone and nothing is going well.”
Therese May

 

Before this relationship…I knew I wasn’t a perfect person…I knew that much. But man…I did not know I was broken. Or that I was capable of darkness.

The pain that was triggered from this realization…sent me desperate to heal it.

After a year I have come to better understand myself, who I am and why I believe the things about relationships that I do.  

More importantly I have come to realize that some of the beliefs I have about relationships, love, life and myself are no longer serving their purpose. And it is time to move on from them.

As a young girl I had a painful experience and in order to deal with the pain of that experience and protect myself I made some decisions about life, love, men, women and me.

And for that young girl, and at that time in my life, I was doing the best I could with the information I had. I had found a way to cope with that pain and successfully moved on past it.

I was a survivor.

As a child, we don’t always get all the information, and even if we do we cannot process it like an adult.

I have come to believe that this was okay…I was doing the best I could.

So, why did I go into that dark relationship???

I was drawn to it…because I needed to learn a new way.

In fact I needed to see the light. I would have never ever seen it against a backdrop of light…it took darkness to bring it more clearly into my focus.

I might have given you the impression that this relationship was toxic, painful and dark and that there was no love there at all…for me that would be the furthest thing from the truth…I loved him as much as I have ever loved anyone.

For me learning about my darkness this way, was like looking up into the night sky and for the first time...seeing the Milky Way…

 I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

There is a light in the darkness…if we are brave enough to look for it…that will lead us to a place of peace and love…a place called home.


“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the light that is waiting to find us."