Gratitude #2

So grateful for men of steel, courage and great compassion

My Brothers ­ Russell and Buster

 

 

Russell, Linda and Bruce Jr Williams

 

A brother shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams. 

~Author Unknown

 

You know…there are no spiritual coincidences…when someone good comes into your life it is very much on purpose. In fact it is God’s purpose to bring them into your life. All good comes from God.

 

And when I count my good gifts from God… these two men rank up at the top.

 I could not be more proud if they had been born the sisters I always thought I wanted as a young girl…

I could not hope to find truer friends anywhere.

There is something so comforting in knowing that these two men have my back…

I could not expect to ever understand what I did to hold the honor and title of “sister” to these two amazing men for which I am feeling very grateful.

 

Yes there was a time when I did not feel this way…

No, I have not always appreciated or felt grateful to have two younger brothers…

 

I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers.  It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage.  Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.  ~Maya Angelou

 

As a young child I did not understand where these two showed up from…I was the main attraction in the family for 4 years. I had everyone’s attention and was pretty spoiled.

Needless to say I was happy with the way things were going and had no clue that anyone else was needed or even being considered AT ALL!

Just seems like all of a sudden… in the blink of an eye, they were there and for me nothing was ever the same again.

The first I remember being aware that someone else was as important to Mom and Dad as I had been…was my four year old Christmas.

I woke up early, of course, don’t all kids?

Mom and Dad were still asleep. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, smiled and jumped out of bed.

Remembering it was Christmas morning I hurriedly made my skipping, giggling way to the living room.

For that is where Santa always left lots of treasures for me.

Yep! And Yippee!!!…He has been here!

Wow and holy cow!!!…lots more gifts this year.

Giggle, giggle, giggle…I could not contain my excitement and ran to share the news with Mom and Dad.

As I ran back into the living room after delivering my excitement to two very sleepy parents, I thought I heard mom saying something but really didn’t have time to listen.

When I got to the living room again I saw there were two stacks of wrapped gifts, a doll in a carriage and a trike

I was so over whelmed I did not know where to start.

But before I could, start that is…Mom came into the room and instead of taking a seat to watch me, as she had done in the past; she let me know that this time Santa had brought half of these gifts for my new baby brother, Buster.

Really? What is he gonna do with presents? He can’t do anything but poop and eat. hehehehehe

Just kidding…however I do remember being surprised that he was getting presents from MY Santa Clause!

But believe me after about two minutes I forgot he was even there…I was way too busy with unwrapping all the wonderful gifts of my own.

Sharing…after that Christmas…got easier and easier each passing year.

I don’t remember ever feeling that my parents preferred my brothers over me. Just so grateful that I always felt they loved all three of us.

More Lessons in Sharing…

One thing I never got use to sharing with my brothers was the back seat of the car.

The first car I remember was a dark blue two door Ford.

Only one way in to the back seat…and there seemed to be…NO WAY OUT!!

Really…I can’t recall just how many times I wished I could get out of their way back there.

By the time Buster and Russell were three and four years old they had perfected wiggling, scuffling and fighting.

And Me? Well I was just trying to learn to stay OUT of their way!

Of course, wiggling, scuffing and fighting can be pretty noisy.

This can be unnerving for two parents who are either trying to get us somewhere while keeping us relatively still dressed up… or just out for a Sunday drive trying to find some peace and sanity while taking a break from the routine of weekly home life and work.

For what- ever reasons… my parents had a limit to just how much ruckus they would permit in the back seat of our car.

Now Mom had a few things she would do to try to get them to calm down…none of which worked on anyone… that is not on the boys, just the only innocent child in the car…namely - me.

 I had perfected the art or feel…and knew when it was coming…the rage that is.

 I knew just when to calm down and did so…long before my clueless brothers ever had a hint Mom was reaching the boiling point.

Far as I know Dad didn’t have one, a boiling point. If he did we never knew it…he didn’t need one… not as long as he had Mom. J He was as afraid of her as we were.

Mom’s Strategy…

First she tried to separate them, hoping distance would make it harder for them to scuffle and fight.

Guess how! With ME of course!

Yes, people I have been used as a human separation device.  And it was not fun or pretty.

Why Mom continued to use this approach was amazing to me. It never worked. 

All it did was make things worse…for me.

So then they fought over, on top of and around me.
They always enjoyed using me as a shield as they tried to out-do each other.

Keeping score as to who could hit the other the most…while hiding behind me.

Of course if I got hit... I hit them back J I’m not without shame…the whole fiasco only raged hotter and louder…when I was put in the middle. 

Next, and only after yelling first…Mom would become angry… which was a sign to me that soon she would be thrusting her arm over the back seat to pinch the boys L

I’m frowning because I was usually the easiest to reach…thus…I got most of the pinches.

Although Mom was not trying to reach me…she never gave up trying to reach the boys until they got at least a few of the pinches.

Let me just put it this way…I got two out of every four she gave.

I never learned to appreciate how to share the back seat with two younger brothers.

But I am pretty darn sure they loved that I was there to share it with them.

Having me back there to hide behind must have been a great blessing to them J No need to thank me now…too late J

I could go on and on here. The stuff these two put me through was amazing. Including but not limited to, teasing, taunting, accusing and embarrassing.

How I ever managed to fall in love with them is beyond understanding. Really. 

Somehow they have managed to melt my heart and there is not much I wouldn’t do for either one of them.

Putting aside all joking now, at some point in time these two grew up and became amazing men and brothers.

I know them today as men of valor, courage, strength, compassion, love and kindness.

They are two who make sacrifices every day for the ones they love.

 

Words of encouragement and compassion...

It was summer…hot…and I was, of course pregnant… with # six.

When I was in my pregnant mood… I was not only sick and nauseous but had absolutely zero energy.

Didn’t last the whole pregnancy, but up until about the beginning of the 5th month I felt drugged and lifeless every day.

This makes it very difficult when you have five others to care for who feel great, have lots of energy and have no idea what in the hell is wrong with Mom.

It was one of those days.

It was late afternoon and I was not even pretending to give a damn how I acted at this point.

I felt awful and extremely exhausted.

Requests and demands were flying but I was not responding.

I had gone back to the bedroom to rest for a few minutes.

In those days…our church had a mid-week program for children. We called it Primary.

The kids loved it.

Probably due a lot to the fact that they got to get out of the house and away from their pregnant and irritable Mommy dearest!.

Mommy dearest, a nick-name I picked up from my youngest.

Who by the way is the only one of my children who was lucky enough not to ever know me pregnant J  And STILL she thought the title fit?

Go figure J

Anyway, unknown to me, my brother Buster had stopped by to check on me and was entering the kitchen area just as I let out a loud scream at one of the kids.

It was something about putting something up or stop with the noise I am sure.  

Don’t remember what.

Do remember that as I was walking up the hall one of the kids asked when we were leaving for Primary…I yelled back, NEVER!

I then entered the kitchen and saw my brother.

 I don’t know which of us was more embarrassed by my behavior, me or him.

He could have excused himself and left but he didn’t.

I can’t remember how he turned this around for me that day…but I do remember his compassion for me. He did not judge.

He touched my heart and I began to cry.

I ended up pouring my heart out to him that day.

I told him I was so exhausted from trying to be a good mother while feeling like crap.

He convinced me that I was a wonderful mother and that everything would be ok.

I was allowed to feel like crap…I was building a baby.

He brought peace and love into my home that day.

This is typical of him.

He is always kind, open and accepts me as I am.

We have had many heart felt encounters since this day.

We often share concerns and problems with each other without judging.

Wow… now that means a lot in a world that is so quick to judge and criticize

Thanks for being there for me.

 I love you Buster.

 

The guardian…

I could just say ditto and let you know that Russell is the same as Buster, because he is.

Never judging me, always compassionate and giving.

But the fact is that he has been lots of things to me and my children in this life.

His titles don’t stop with brother…but include Santa Clause, super hero, football star, missionary, bishop, gift giver, councilor, advisor and guardian. Just to name a few.

He gave my children Christmas one year when we had very little.

He and Buster both set a great example for my oldest. Always spending time with him and treating him like one of their own.

As a bishop in our church Russell has had several opportunities to counsel and help my children.

Especially when they were faced with harsh challenges in life and needed to be advised and comforted.

It was comforting to me as a mother to know that they were not being judged but counseled with love by my brother.

Russell once told me that he prays for me and my children every night. He then asked me to pray for his.

This was many years ago when our children were very young. But I have no doubt that he still prays for me and my children always.

Why? Because he promised me he would.

Since my divorce several years ago he has never failed to be there for me.

Going so far as to tell me that I could always have a place to live in his home.

I have come to trust his counsel and advice. I have received many priesthood blessings at his hands for health, strength and peace in my life.

He has never failed me as a brother nor as a friend.

Not too long ago I went to him with a heavy burden that was so binding as to make me feel like a failure.

I was troubled and feeling so unworthy of God’s love.

He just looked at me after listening and pointed out all the things about me that he loved.

He looked right into my eyes with sincerity and told me that after hearing my confessions he still thought of me as 10. And that I always would be in his eyes because of the life I tried to live.

He has my back as well as Buster’s.

In tears I have heard him proclaim is admiration for us both.

I have no doubt that he would stand up for me and Buster in any situation.

Now I just have to add that I would do the same for the both of them.

 

Is there any wonder why I love these two men…

Just recently I was challenged to write a letter to God requesting what I considered to be important in a help mate or husband.

I was challenged to ask for all the qualities I consider being important to fulfill a great relationship.

This challenge is what caused me to start thinking about the kind of men these two are.

So…considering this challenge, I must admit that if I could make such a request of God…

It would be to have a man of steel, courage and great compassion.

A man like my brothers.

Hi Butterflies J

I have missed writing so much…

 

Truth is I have wanted to write a new blog post many many times in the last year but felt uninspired and unworthy each and every time I tried.

So of course I thought anyone reading would be able to see right through anything I might try to share as an empty effort on my part.

However the desire to write has stayed with me and will not let me rest.

Writing refreshes, strengthens and inspires me.  I always feel uplifted by those of you who read and follow me and make comments.

When you find something that makes you feel like this why would you want to stop?

With these things as rewards; renewing/refreshing, strengthening and inspiration…there is no wonder I long for and missed it so.

So here is me stepping out and taking a giant leap of faith…praying that God may grant me inspiration to put my heart out there again.

May He give me the words I need.

 

I choose to start by writing about something that is changing, softening and strengthening my heart

 

And that is gratitude.

Gratitude is one of the sweet shortcuts to finding peace of mind and happiness inside. No matter what is going on outside of us, there’s always something we could be grateful for.

 

November 6, 2013

I am grateful for insights into love learned at the foot of Hope’s Bed

 

 

My daughter posted this sweet picture on Facebook. It is Hope my sleeping granddaughte.

I quickly seized it has part of my page profile and pasted to keep on my desk top. As I looked at that picture of this precious sleeping child…a flood of loving feelings and thoughts for her washed over and through me.  

A very tender and precious memory for me came to mind and I decided that she would be the first of my gratitude’s tonight.

Moving from Utah to Tennessee has been a blessing to my life.

 It was a step and change I decided to make when first beginning my butterfly quest…

But it has not been without its painful sacrifices.

I had been a daily part of this lovely child’s life since her birth. I was blessed that my home had become her first home…because my daughter Lindsey and her husband Ben had come to live with me.

For the first three and half years of her life I was blessed to watch her grow from baby to toddler to child.

Our love for each other grew daily as she did…a connection and bond was created that changed me forever.

Through her sweet, non-judgmental, excepting love for me I found inspiration.

At a time when life seemed hopeless to me… a little bundle…ironically named Hope… was born and came into my life.

Somehow her love for me made it easier to see me differently. Slowly but surely I began to see me through her eyes.

This love was one of the tender mercies that God used to help me step out of a dark time in my life and take a leap of faith…step out and believe I could change.

For believing that you can change is really the hardest part of the battle.

If she could love me then maybe I could relearn to love myself again. I did not want her to remember me as someone she once knew and loved who lived a sad and lonely life out of fear and regrets.

She was and still is as refreshing to me as sunshine after rain.

The morning I left Utah to make a new home in South Carolina, she followed me all through the house crying and begging me to please take her too.

I left in tears…

It made no sense to me as to why I had to walk out of this child’s life in order to become something better for her.

But that is what kept going through my mind and heart as tears fell  and I drove away.

The rest of the story…

I have gone back to visit Hope and her family; Eden, Noah, Lindsey and Ben several times since moving away. Hopefully…Hope has seen and felt the changes for the better in me, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually.

When you can love yourself… it is then that you are free and uninhibited to love another with your whole heart…not holding back any part of yourself…out of fear of something you may feel you lack in your-self or may lose by its giving. To Love is to risk everything freely.

Hopefully she is coming to know a more confident, happy and self-fulfilled grandmother who is learning the importance of being kind and loving to yourself.

It was on one of these trips back that I had a great realization at the foot of her bed one evening.

Hope has always had a very hard time relaxing and giving in to sleep.

In attempts to help her fall asleep sooner…her mother would sit beside her. After four years, and longer now, at the foot of her bed, years had past and this had become quite a problem for her mother who was now exhausted and exasperated from of loss of sleep as well as ideas as to how to fix the problem.

In an attempt to give her a break…I asked to have the opportunity to sit with Hope each night of my visit until she fell asleep.

Kenny Logins CD, “Return To Poohs Corner” was part of her night time ritual. The songs on the CD were soft, sweet and conducive to comfort and relaxation.

In fact, I found myself relaxed and asleep most of the time before poor Hope ever decided to let the sandman in the room.

Of course after taking on this assignment that had now lasted for a couple of weeks… the songs on the CD were finely imprinted into my head.

I found myself humming them all day long. I actually looked forward to hearing the CD each and every night.

I was, however completely unaware of the effect one of the songs was starting to have on me. That is until my last night with Hope and the last night of this visit.

For some reason she was not able to fall asleep this night until the whole CD had played through almost two whole times.

The second time this song came round…she was asleep and looked much like she does in the picture I attached here to this post.

Here are the words…but I encourage you to listen to the whole song as I heard it that night. I will post a link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-O2Bgqb5Jk

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you, you and me
Love is knowing we can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needing to be loved

Songwriters
Lennon, Julian

The words and melody are so heart felt…

Here for the first time since I had left her and moved away, I felt I understood the true meaning of love.

It was a tender mercy from God. He was teaching in the three minutes of the time it took to listen to this song and gaze at this sleeping child who I loved with my whole heart, that I had finally arrived.

I had come to love myself.

Tears washed down my face and my heart smiled as this realization suddenly filled my whole being with gratitude. I felt God’s love fill the whole room with warmth and peace. I bowed my head and with a thankful heart said a little prayer. Thank you Father for Hope and for teaching me to love myself.

As the song played that night I saw her as a blessing and a link in my life to what I had come to understand about self- love.