Hi Butterflies J

I have missed writing so much…

 

Truth is I have wanted to write a new blog post many many times in the last year but felt uninspired and unworthy each and every time I tried.

So of course I thought anyone reading would be able to see right through anything I might try to share as an empty effort on my part.

However the desire to write has stayed with me and will not let me rest.

Writing refreshes, strengthens and inspires me.  I always feel uplifted by those of you who read and follow me and make comments.

When you find something that makes you feel like this why would you want to stop?

With these things as rewards; renewing/refreshing, strengthening and inspiration…there is no wonder I long for and missed it so.

So here is me stepping out and taking a giant leap of faith…praying that God may grant me inspiration to put my heart out there again.

May He give me the words I need.

 

I choose to start by writing about something that is changing, softening and strengthening my heart

 

And that is gratitude.

Gratitude is one of the sweet shortcuts to finding peace of mind and happiness inside. No matter what is going on outside of us, there’s always something we could be grateful for.

 

November 6, 2013

I am grateful for insights into love learned at the foot of Hope’s Bed

 

 

My daughter posted this sweet picture on Facebook. It is Hope my sleeping granddaughte.

I quickly seized it has part of my page profile and pasted to keep on my desk top. As I looked at that picture of this precious sleeping child…a flood of loving feelings and thoughts for her washed over and through me.  

A very tender and precious memory for me came to mind and I decided that she would be the first of my gratitude’s tonight.

Moving from Utah to Tennessee has been a blessing to my life.

 It was a step and change I decided to make when first beginning my butterfly quest…

But it has not been without its painful sacrifices.

I had been a daily part of this lovely child’s life since her birth. I was blessed that my home had become her first home…because my daughter Lindsey and her husband Ben had come to live with me.

For the first three and half years of her life I was blessed to watch her grow from baby to toddler to child.

Our love for each other grew daily as she did…a connection and bond was created that changed me forever.

Through her sweet, non-judgmental, excepting love for me I found inspiration.

At a time when life seemed hopeless to me… a little bundle…ironically named Hope… was born and came into my life.

Somehow her love for me made it easier to see me differently. Slowly but surely I began to see me through her eyes.

This love was one of the tender mercies that God used to help me step out of a dark time in my life and take a leap of faith…step out and believe I could change.

For believing that you can change is really the hardest part of the battle.

If she could love me then maybe I could relearn to love myself again. I did not want her to remember me as someone she once knew and loved who lived a sad and lonely life out of fear and regrets.

She was and still is as refreshing to me as sunshine after rain.

The morning I left Utah to make a new home in South Carolina, she followed me all through the house crying and begging me to please take her too.

I left in tears…

It made no sense to me as to why I had to walk out of this child’s life in order to become something better for her.

But that is what kept going through my mind and heart as tears fell  and I drove away.

The rest of the story…

I have gone back to visit Hope and her family; Eden, Noah, Lindsey and Ben several times since moving away. Hopefully…Hope has seen and felt the changes for the better in me, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually.

When you can love yourself… it is then that you are free and uninhibited to love another with your whole heart…not holding back any part of yourself…out of fear of something you may feel you lack in your-self or may lose by its giving. To Love is to risk everything freely.

Hopefully she is coming to know a more confident, happy and self-fulfilled grandmother who is learning the importance of being kind and loving to yourself.

It was on one of these trips back that I had a great realization at the foot of her bed one evening.

Hope has always had a very hard time relaxing and giving in to sleep.

In attempts to help her fall asleep sooner…her mother would sit beside her. After four years, and longer now, at the foot of her bed, years had past and this had become quite a problem for her mother who was now exhausted and exasperated from of loss of sleep as well as ideas as to how to fix the problem.

In an attempt to give her a break…I asked to have the opportunity to sit with Hope each night of my visit until she fell asleep.

Kenny Logins CD, “Return To Poohs Corner” was part of her night time ritual. The songs on the CD were soft, sweet and conducive to comfort and relaxation.

In fact, I found myself relaxed and asleep most of the time before poor Hope ever decided to let the sandman in the room.

Of course after taking on this assignment that had now lasted for a couple of weeks… the songs on the CD were finely imprinted into my head.

I found myself humming them all day long. I actually looked forward to hearing the CD each and every night.

I was, however completely unaware of the effect one of the songs was starting to have on me. That is until my last night with Hope and the last night of this visit.

For some reason she was not able to fall asleep this night until the whole CD had played through almost two whole times.

The second time this song came round…she was asleep and looked much like she does in the picture I attached here to this post.

Here are the words…but I encourage you to listen to the whole song as I heard it that night. I will post a link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-O2Bgqb5Jk

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you, you and me
Love is knowing we can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needing to be loved

Songwriters
Lennon, Julian

The words and melody are so heart felt…

Here for the first time since I had left her and moved away, I felt I understood the true meaning of love.

It was a tender mercy from God. He was teaching in the three minutes of the time it took to listen to this song and gaze at this sleeping child who I loved with my whole heart, that I had finally arrived.

I had come to love myself.

Tears washed down my face and my heart smiled as this realization suddenly filled my whole being with gratitude. I felt God’s love fill the whole room with warmth and peace. I bowed my head and with a thankful heart said a little prayer. Thank you Father for Hope and for teaching me to love myself.

As the song played that night I saw her as a blessing and a link in my life to what I had come to understand about self- love.