What has forgiveness got to do with it???
Sitting in my 2nd class of the six week course “Intentional Living”, I found myself asking the above question. The instructor thought it was important enough to spend a whole class time of 2 hours on just this subject, FORGIVENESS?? Since I had been very prayerful before attending, I was hoping that I would feel inspired and get the desired message from the instructor to help me in my quest for better health. But, I was a little surprised at the amount of time she spent with just this subject. Where were the tips and tricks that were going to make this process easier? Could forgiveness really be that important in my Butterfly Quest? The answer came later, that is after I left the class and I really had time to digest and ponder what had been said and how it literally opened the eyes of my heart.
“No one is perfect, not you nor I,
But in bitterness I REFUSE to die!
I will die with dignity, with LOVE in my heart,
Not hatred and bitterness that can tear me apart.”
About this poem:
To forgive is NOT to forget, it is to live in peace within yourself.
And be set free from the person that has hurt you.
My Changing Heart…
I retired last April and drove across the US from my home in Utah to be closer to my ailing father and to reconnect with family I had not been able to spend much time with since moving to Utah 8 years prior. I also came bearing a changing heart, soul and body for my real purpose in retiring was to try and mend the broken body and health of a very sad, hurting and lost lady, namely ME!
As I drove I began to reflect on relationships with family and friends. I thought a lot about misunderstandings and hard feelings that I may have been guilty of inflicting and how I still felt there were some I needed to tell I was sorry to and make sure they knew I loved them. I felt a sweet and tender change coming over my heart…called love…and I liked it.
As I thought about the opportunity to see some family and friends in this area again I resigned to make a restitution of these misunderstandings if possible and felt strongly that God was pleased and wanted me to do this as well. Honestly the conviction that I should do this scared me a little…I reflected over and over again about how unnerving it was…and the thought that maybe the reason was that it might be my last chance in this life crossed my mind more than once.
I began then to make a mental list of several people and loved ones I wanted to see. The first being an old friend from high school who had lost her husband, who had also been one of my friends in high school, to cancer a year or so before I had moved away to Utah.
I called, invited her to lunch and was surprised at her eagerness to see me. I felt I had not been there for her at the death of her husband and knew I had deliberately withheld my love and support from her out of fear and hurt. We sat across from each other talking about old times but as I began to try and apologize to her all that came were tears…I could hardly speak. She began to cry as well and finally we were both able expressed our feelings of love and concern for each other. That afternoon with her, then became a wonderful bonding experience as she drove me to the cemetery where he had been laid to rest and we cried some more. It was very healing to me. Not for just what I had done to her but what in so doing had disrespected the memory of her husband as well. She shared all the details that lead to his death and how it changed her life we cried and I was finally able to offer to her my love and concern as the friend I should have been all those years before. One thing I have learned from this experience is that I do not want to die angry or bitter towards others, at least not intentionally.
My list of people who I felt inspired to make a mends to wasn’t too very long and though it included several others I will only share one other, but in no way lastly or in any way of lesser importance in my life, was my ex-husband and the father of my children. We were married for 30 years when we parted ways and have been divorced now for about 6 years and separated about 7 before that. Of course when we separated I was crushed and hurt in ways I had never experienced in my 50 years of life beforehand. The story of the demise of a love that only story books can rival is too sad and personal to share on a blog. I will spare you those details out of respect for this man and his place in my life even today. He is my family… and as I was able to look across the room at him this last summer and tell him I was sorry for the pain I had caused him and that I knew he had been hurt as well as I, something happened that surprised me. I felt a peace sweep over my heart. I could see by the look of gratitude on his face that it brought some peace to him as well. I have not forgotten the hurtful things that transpired between the both of us over that last ten years of our marriage, as I am sure he has not, but I have been able to forgive and it feels absolutely liberating and peaceful to me and I suspect to him as well.
When You Don't Forgive...
...It's like wearing dark sunglasses that distort everything you see. You also want everyone else to see through these glasses. Forgiveness is taking those glasses off. Not forgiving is like carrying heavy suitcases full of books through an airport. Forgiving is putting the suitcases down and walking away without them. It is lightening up. It is being able to enjoy your life, laugh again, and see the beauty in others. When you cannot forgive yourself, you cannot forgive others. When you cannot forgive others, you cannot forgive yourself. The dynamic of forgiveness is the same in both cases.
When You Forgive......You lighten your load. Not forgiving is like wearing dark sunglasses that gruesomely distort all that you see, and you want others to see through the same glasses. When you forgive, it is like leaving behind a heavy weight. Imagine that you are trying to walk through an airport while carrying a heavy suitcase in each hand with another strapped over your shoulder and another on your back like a backpack. It is difficult and painful work to go anywhere. Forgiving is putting down all of your baggage and leaving it behind. You travel lightly. It has nothing to do with worthiness—yours or others'. You and they are both worthy. That is not the issue. The issue is whether you wish to continue to carry your baggage. Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Rituals-for-Forgiveness/2#ixzz1lYhKMYIM
What I am really saying here…
I, in no way, want to make this sound easy… I am in the mind that forgiveness is one of the hardest requirements the Lord as set upon us.
For the Lord will forgive whom he will forgive; but as for us, it is required to forgive all.
These stories of forgiveness that I have just shared were years in the coming and mending. It took letting go of hurt, pain and pride, true… but not all at once. It reminds me of how very carefully I would be to help someone remove their tongue from a frozen pole. Like the little boy in the movie,” The Christmas Story”. You don’t want to just pull it quickly away… you might damage the tongue forever…you may want to use a little warm water first or even attempt to heat the pole a bit. It is the same with our hearts, God knows this is difficult and is very patient, careful and supportive as he uses much wisdom in his timing to help us be ready for a change of heart. He will prepare you heart just as He did mine. Rely on Him and trust Him to let you know when you are ready. After all we are talking about the heart here…lets be gentle.
Forgiveness is truly one of the most difficult things God commands His people to do. How many people have difficulty forgiving when they’ve been wronged or hurt? When there is no forgiveness, there can be no fellowship like God intended Christians to enjoy (Eph. 4:31-32). Worse, when there is no forgiveness, the work of the Lord is hindered and souls are at stake (Matt. 6:12ff). Oh, how Christians need to be willing to have a heart that truly forgives!
Back to Class…
After much soul searching and reflecting after my class, I finally realized there was still someone in my life I had not forgiven…someone hurting and in unspeakable pain because of me. I was really not surprised though when I realize who it was… it is ME. Sitting in class and listening to an inspired teacher tell me that God is unable to use me completely for His purposes, not to mention my life’s mission, when there is a spirit of unforgiving in my heart and that we cannot forgive others without learning how to forgive ourselves first was like driving pins under my skin. I felt like a huge magnifying glass was being held over my heart for all to see what I was trying to hide. I wiggled around in my seat trying to justify my hurt with the same old lie I have been telling myself for tens of years. “Not forgiving yourself can’t make that big of a difference. Besides you deserve to feel this pain forever for what you have done. No way will God ever forgive you for this. How can I be expected to forgive myself then? Don’t be so self-important…this makes no difference at all.” Yes I was telling the same old lie but my heart wasn’t buying it this time.
I do not even know how to write or describe the crushing pain I am carrying around. Just talking about it makes me cringe and hurt…feels like a 2 ton boulder in my heart. The depth of my sorrow seems unfixable and un-mendable. I am sure this is going to be extremely painful and I know that is why I have kept it hidden way back in the corner of my heart under lock and key. But I have come to realize this week that I will not be able to really continue in my quest without at least beginning the process of forgiveness with myself.
So…
I have mentioned before the regret and humiliation I feel for having spent the majority of my life so over weight. There…I said it. The taste of it on my tongue is so degrading.
I hate that for the most part of my children’s lives I was such a poor role model.
I hate that they each carry scares from my lack of care and love for myself as their mother.
I absolutely am afraid I have done something that will affect my children and their children and their children and that I cannot ever fix it no matter what I do.
I just want to scream NO! STOP!!!!!!!!!…please God, let me do it over.
But I cannot make it go away!!!
I see it in family photos and I hear it in their voices of amazement and praise at the amount of change they see in their mother’s size and countenance. It is like a very big and bad tattoo I can never have removed.
NO I cannot even begin to express my anger at myself.
As a mother who deeply loves her children I always thought I would be willing to die for them if I was ever called upon to do so…So why is it then that I could not LIVE for them.
Even if, and when I finish my quest…become healthy, happy, whole and find that I still have time to set this example right for them, I can never take back what I have sadly put into their hearts already.
There are absolutely no other six human beings on the face of God’s earth that I love more than the six He gave me to birth, raise, love and teach. This sentence brings the reality that I failed God as a mother to the square. Wow!!! What have I done….God please just erase if from their hearts, please.
First I need to let each of them know I am so sorry I have hurt them in an unfixable way. In doing so I have also injured my heart beyond repair. Next I need to let them know I promise to spend the rest of eternity trying to make restitution to them and my grandchildren.
I was wrong. So wrong to not understand the importance of self-respect and self-esteem or the lack thereof, in a mother’s role and the effects of that example on their tender and impressionable lives.
Regret, holy cow!! It does not stop there. I cannot even express with words and refuse to do so here on this site, at the level of sorrow and regret I carry for hurting my marriage in this blind and thoughtless show of disrespect for who we were together.
As you can tell I am still not ready to forgive me yet…
BUT, I have reached the place where I realize that forgiveness was definitely worth talking about in class for two hours. What is the level of importance that forgiveness plays in being able to be all we are meant be?? I think you are getting the picture here right? Because it feels like my life is sadly being displayed for your viewing amazement and has become that reality TV show you love to hate. I am showing you here what NOT to do. ARE you getting it?
Thankfully…
I found a story today that helped me feel a lot better and made me actually feel like restitution is possible and that maybe I will be able to forgive myself. I want to share this here with you as the end of my post tonight. Just to let you know, this is not over…
However… I feel the end of the” self-forgiveness story” will probably be way to painful and personal to share here again. If and when I am successful it will be because of the atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ. He is the only one who can heal my broken heart and make this wrong somehow become right.
PUSHUPS FOR DONUTS
There was a certain professor of religion named Dr. Christianson, a studious man who taught at a small college in the western United States. Dr. Christianson taught a required course in Christianity at this Particular institution. Every student was required to take this course regardless of his or her major.
Although Dr. Christianson tried hard to communicate the essence of the Gospel in his class, he found that most of his students looked upon the course as nothing more than required drudgery. Despite his best efforts, most students refused to take Christianity seriously.
This year Dr. Christianson had a special student named Steve. Steve was only a freshman, but was studying with the intent of going on to Seminary. Steve was popular, well liked and an imposing physical specimen. He was the starting center on the school football team and the best student in the class.
One day, Dr. Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could
talk "how many push-ups can you do?"
Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."
"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Dr. Christianson said. "Do you think you could do 300?"
"I don't know," Steve replied, "I've never done 300 at a time."
"Do you think you could?" again asked the professor.
"Well, I could try," said Steve.
"Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I have a class project and I need you to do about 300 push-ups in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it? I need you to tell me you can do it," said Dr. Christianson.
Steve said, "Well... I think I can... yeah, I can do it."
Dr. Christianson said, "Good! I need you to do this on Friday. Let me explain what I have in mind."
Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, the professor pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these weren't the normal kind of donuts, these were the big fancy kind, with cream centers and frosting swirls. Everyone was pretty excited that it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend with a party in Dr. Christianson's class.
Dr. Christianson went to the first girl in the first row and asked,
"Cynthia would you like one of these donuts?" Cynthia said, "Yes please."
Dr. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you please do ten push-ups so that Cynthia may have a donut?"
"Sure." Steve jumped down from the desk, did ten quick push-ups, and then returned to his desk. Dr. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia's desk.
Dr. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe do you want a donut?"
Joe said, "Yes."
The professor asked, "Steve would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?"
Steve did ten push-ups and Joe got a donut. And so it went, down the first aisle. Steve did ten push-ups for each person before they received a donut. Dr. Christianson continued down the second aisle until he came to Scott.
Scott was on the basketball team, and in as good of physical condition as Steve. Scott was popular and never lacking female companionship. When the professor asked, "Scott would you like a donut?"
Scott's reply was, "Yes, if I can do my own push-ups."
Dr. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."
Scott said, "Then I don't want one"
The professor shrugged and then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Scott can have the donut he doesn't want?"
With perfect obedience Steve started to do the push-ups.
Scott yelled, "HEY! I said I didn't want one!"
Dr. Christianson said sternly, "Look, this is my class, these are my desks, and these are my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it" And he put a donut on Scott's desk.
Now by this time, Steve had begun to perspire and was starting to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to get up and down. As Dr. Christianson started down the third row, many students were beginning to get a little angry.
Dr. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"
Jenny's answer was a firm, "No!"
Then Dr. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten more push-ups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve did ten...Jenny got a donut.
By now, a growing sense of uneasiness filled the room. The students were beginning to say "No" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve also had to put forth a lot of extra effort to get these push-ups done for each donut. There was a pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face and
his arms were beginning to turn red because of the physical effort being put forth.
Because Dr. Christianson could no longer bear to watch Steve's hard work go for all these uneaten donuts, he asked Robert, the most vocal unbeliever in the class, to watch Steve do each push-up to make sure he did all ten in each set.
As the professor started down the fourth row, he noticed some students from other classes had wandered in and sat down on the steps along the radiators that ran down the sides of the room. He did a quick count and saw that there were now thirty-four students in the room. He started to worry that Steve
would not be able to make it. He went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of the row, Steve was really having a hard time. It was taking a lot more time to complete each set.
Just then, Jason, a recent transfer student, came to the room. He was about to enter when at once all of the students yelled, "NO!! Don't come in!!" Jason didn't know what was going on.
Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."
Professor Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten push-ups for him?"
"Yes, let him come in. Give him a donut."
Dr. Christianson said, "Okay Steve, I'll let you get Jason's out of
the way right now. Jason, do you want a donut?"
Not even knowing what was going on, Jason said, "Yes, I'll have a donut."
"Steve, will you do ten push-ups so that Jason can have a donut?"
Steve did ten very slow and labored push-ups. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.
Dr. Christianson finished the fourth row and started on the visitors seated by the radiators. Steve's arms were now shaking with each push-up in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was profusely dripping off of his face and there was no sound except his heavy breathing. By this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.
The very last two students in the room were two young women, both cheerleaders, and very well-liked. Dr. Christianson went to Linda and asked if she wanted a donut.
Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you."
The professor quietly asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?" Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow push-ups for Linda.
The Dr. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan "Susan, do you
want a donut?"
Susan, with tears streaming down her face pleaded, "Dr.Christianson, why can't I help him?"
Dr. Christianson, with tears of his own, explained, "No, Steve has to do it alone. I have given him this task and he is in charge of seeing that everyone here has an opportunity for a donut whether they want it or not. When I decided to have a party this last day of class, I looked at my grade book. Steve is the only student with a perfect grade. Everyone else has failed a test, skipped class, or offered up inferior work. Steve told
me that in football practice when a player messes up, he has to do push-ups. I told Steve that none of you could come to the party unless he paid the price by doing your push-ups. He and I made a deal for your sakes.
Steve, would you do ten push-ups so Susan can have a donut?"
As Steve very slowly finished his last push-up, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 push-ups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.
Dr. Christianson turned to the room and said, "And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the Father, 'into Thy hands I commend my spirit.' With the understanding that He had accomplished all that was required of Him, He yielded up His life for us. And like some of those in this room, many leave the gift on the desk, uneaten."
Two students helped Steve up off the floor and to a seat, physically exhausted, but wearing a thin smile.
"Well done good and faithful servant," said the professor, adding, "Not all sermons are preached in words."
Turning to the class the professor said, "My wish is that you might understand and fully comprehend all the riches of grace and mercy that have been given to you through the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. God spared not His only begotten son, but gave him up for us and for the
whole world, now and forever. Whether we choose to accept His gift to us, the price for our sins has been paid. Wouldn't it be foolish and wouldn't it be ungrateful just to leave it laying on the desk?"
CG
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