It has been awhile I know...

But have no fear, I am still here...have been in the process of submission

I guess you could say I have had a writer’s block and maybe so...but not really because that would place me in front of a keyboard with nothing to write. This is actually the first time I have sat down to write in several weeks and I have plenty to say...just don't know how to tell you what is going on. Is that a writer’s block or something else?

Something Else...

If you are watching me, and are a follower of my blog then you may be thinking or feeling that I am losing ground, giving up or just plain lost interest.

I may be quiet here on my blog but there is a lot going on in my head, heart and soul. There is a reason for my silence. I don't know how to tell you what I am going through and that is the reason for the silence.

But alas...the silence seems ready now to break and therefore here is my attempt to tell you what I have been up to.

I am in a different kind of changing... mode.

Don't even know how to describe it.

Changing my focus, my motivation and changing my way of thinking.

My heart is changing, and has been for a while,

Again.

WARNING: Submission is in process.

Definition then of Submission

\sub·mit(sb-mt)

v.sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting, sub·mits

v.tr.

1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.

2. To subject to a condition or process.

3. To commit (something) to the consideration or judgment of another. See Synonyms at propose.

1. To give in to the authority, power, or desires of another. See Synonyms at yield.

2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.

Let's start with definition #2 as I try to explain:

To Subject to a Condition or Process

When I was 21 years old, I became pregnant for the very first time in my life. The whole process was, of course new to me but also very curious and exciting.

I was excited to be a mother but really I am and have always been pretty naive. You know I always expect the fairy tale. And therefore had no idea of what I was getting into. Guess I thought I would just grow a baby and it would magically pop out and we would live happy ever after. Poor little fool was I.

Of course I was a little nervous and a little frightened, because the unexpected always is, so.... to combat this I decided to just jump in head-first and meet the challenges of change that were coming over my body.

I should first mention...that this started in the second tri-mester because in the first one I was sick every day. Had absolutely NO energy. Felt as though a vampire had sucked every ounce of blood from my body and then had put a spell over me with a curse to sleep 24 hrs. a day. I absolutely ate nodda...and threw-up that...at least twice a day. My baby and I lived entirely on prenatal vitamins and my body fat for almost 3 months. And I almost always threw-up the vitamin. I had lost twenty pounds by the time the baby was twelve weeks along.

Once my body started to be able to cope with being pregnant I started to feel better, have more energy and I soon became very focused and excited about the process, the feelings and the ability to create life.

I wanted to learn everything about it. I read books, talked to others and took a birthing class. By the time my due date was approaching I felt I understood what was going to happen to my body and really felt excited for the experience.

The first flutters of life were elation. Felt like a little butterfly had taken up residence in my tummy. Of course as the baby grew so did my belly. Needless to say...food had regained its appeal and seemed more than ever oh, so, wonderful. I gained fifty pounds in the next six months and about thirty of that seemed to be water. I could not even fit into any of my shoes and went barefoot unless I needed to go out and then of course, I did flip flops. Bless the woman who invited them...Had to be a woman and she was most certainly pregnant.

The LABOR for my firstborn began May the 4th 1969 at about 4 am. Contractions had been practicing for several weeks but this morning they decided practice was over... now let’s go.

We arrived at the hospital all smiles and were admitted as "in active labor". I think I was all of two centimeters. Which is barely a "peep" hole people! AND let me tell you, babies need a little bigger space than that to get through.

I remember feeling surprised at the amount of pain or contractions it had taken to get me to the size of barely a "peep" hole. But still being naive was unconcerned and sure I could do this NO problem.

We, my husband and I had a pleasant morning and were way excited. We couldn't help but contemplate the soon to be beginnings of our "new little family" We began placing bets with the nurses as to what sex the baby would be and how much it might weigh. We chatted with the nurses, joked and laughed with them for most of the morning and into the early part of the afternoon. Occasionally, I would feel pretty uncomfortable but was still in control...and now a whopping four centimeters! Wow...takes a lot of time to open up that "peep hole" doesn't it?

Sometime around four...ish my mood started to change. I no longer found the jokes the nurses were sharing very funny or appropriate. I just wanted to be alone. I was even agitated that my husband’s mood had not changed along with mine. What is wrong with him anyway!!! Doesn't he love me?? Why does he still want to talk? Does he not realize I am trying to have a baby here?

He soon understood though that the jokes were over now as my expression and loss of patience with everyone had suddenly "left the building with Elvis". I am sure he must have thought his wife was now someone neither he nor I, had ever met...up to this point in our relationship. :-)

I was now very much into Labor as I had never been before.

The doctor soon came in and decided it was time to break "my water". Wasn't "My Body", supposed to decide that? After all it was "my water", Guess not! But let me assure you that my "my body" had a mind of its own and soon revealed a rip-roaring attitude about the doctor doing it. It let me and everyone else involved in this process know that "all hell" would now commence to break loose.

It was RIGHT THEN that I realized I did NOT want to do this anymore.

I think I even said out loud..."I cannot do this!!. And I don't want to". I remember thinking about getting up from the bed and leaving...just for a few seconds... and then reality hit.

Hey...I was NOT in control here...no I was not...THE PROCESS WAS!

As the next contraction hit, I was still trying to figure out how to get out of this, and did not want to "Go with it" as I had been taught in the birthing class. So that contraction was extremely painful!!

It was not until it seemed impossible that I finally understood, for the first time since I had become pregnant the magnitude of what I had committed to.

I was at the mercy of that commitment I made months ago, and the PROCESS had no idea or even cared that I had changed my mind. All the process seemed to need was my body...it did not even notice my mind was not participating any more. There would be no stopping at this point.

All the PROCESS knew was; "a commitment has been made...please stay seated while the vehicle is in motion, do not try to exit...and keep all your arms -legs - and uterus inside the vehicle while we are in the process. And until I say, we have come to a complete stop."

Well to make a long story...about twelve hours to be exact, shorter...

With the help of my husband and the nurses I was able to get my focus back and realize there was only ONE way out of this COMMITTMENT...and that was to SUBMITT to it.

In the birthing class I had been taught that staying focused on the process and yielding my will, concentration and desires to the outcome of this process was less painful than the alternative. The alternative being "fighting against it". Of course it is true. Ever try to open a door while someone is on the other side holding it closed? So...at the moment that this next contraction hit...I was holding the door closed. I was NOT submitting to the process so...I paid the price. In that one moment, that one contraction I learned that the level of commitment is important for optimal results.

The bible scripture of Jesus saying, “My God why has thou forsaken me" came to my mind while on the delivery table...and I truly felt I had learned the real meaning of HIS cry.

I learned a lot that day about... commitment and submission. AND the level of pain a human body can endure.

Most things in life we try to accomplish have a PROCESS of completion that is required. When we fight against the PROCESS and don't SUBMIT to it, achieving the things we want becomes a painful, difficult task and most times lots harder than it has to be.

Next Definition:

1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.

Just exactly how much of this do I have to do on my own? Does it have to be so painful...why is it so hard?

Shouldn't something called a Butterfly quest be more fun than this?

Can Heavenly Father not hear my prayers? What am I missing here? Why is there suddenly a bigger than ever mountain in my path?

Things were going so well. Why has this changed...what am I doing wrong?

All good questions...I have been asking myself now for about four months. That is how long I have been at a standstill with my weight loss...and unwilling to submit to the process.

I had supposed that this last leg of my quest would be easy. It was easy at first...But easy because God had allowed me to have a strong motivation.

An exciting and exhilarating motivator. And that was all I needed to get started, but now that would no longer be enough to get me there. The motivation needed to be the one God intends for the process to achieve the optimal result.

He let me rely on this earlier motivation for almost a year.

Although it really threw me for a loop when I had to let it go. I understand that I cannot finish this process with that motivation holding me afloat any longer.

It was like a plug had been pulled and the water that was keeping me afloat was gone. That water had been a buffer making the process feel lighter than it really was.

NOW...This is the part I am not sure how to explain in words...

I can verbalize that God is in control here...he knows what the outcome is to be...if I submit to his will instead of fighting against it...the process will be less painful.

Matthew 11:28-30

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

When my earlier motivation was gone, I just assumed that God had left me or forsaken me again. I had not considered yet that my motivation would need to change to be able to finish the butterfly quest.

Until just a few days ago after praying I heard my answer.

"I am sorry Linda but you must pass through the refiner’s fire. There is no other way."

I have reflected much on this answer and realize now that the rest of the quest will be the refiners fire.

On the day that my first born child delivered...my husband was standing beside me, nurses and doctors were supporting me and at first that was enough. But at the end, when it was really tough, it was just me, the process and GOD.

I did not learn until I realized that my husband and the hospital staff could only do so much that God is in control of the process of life. That is why birth is a miracle...no human will is strong enough without the process he has set in motion for the joining of spirit to physical life that we call birth.

Anyway, I have a point. It is not the end result, really of this butterfly quest that will bring about the changes that God intends me to learn from this process.

It is the PROCESS and my SUBMISSION to it, which will fit me for the self-respect and self-esteem needed for my life's mission. The mission God is control of.

I am pretty suborned and thought all along this was about me and losing weight. Again I am oh, so wrong.

It is about submitting to God's will and his process for making me fit for his use. I have been praying for weeks that he would use me, lead me in the direction he needs me to go. Aline me with my mission that I would be able to serve and give to those I love and those he wants me to help. AND that he will lead me to those who fill support, uplift and inspire me.

I thought I was waiting for him to answer me...turns out that he has been waiting for me to submit to the process. If all I wanted was to lose weight then...I could lose it easy enough...but I am working on changing my life, my heart and achieving my mission. It is bigger than HOW I look in a new red dress. There is something I will learn from the process...the refiner’s fire

"The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

"If there were no night, we would not appreciate the day, nor could we see the stars and the vastness of the heavens. We must partake of the bitter with the sweet. There is purpose in the adversities we encounter every day. They prepare, they purge, they purify, and thus they bless."

The last definition then;

1. To give in to the authority, power, or desires of another. See Synonyms at yield.

2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.

After much sadness at realizing I am still a "refiner’s fire" away from my goal, I feel now focused again and have come to understand more than ever that...

IT WILL BE IN THE PROCCESS THAT I WILL FIND MYSELF and MY PURPOSE AS ONE OF GOD'S DAUGHTERS.

IT WILL BE IN THE SUBMISSION TO THIS PURPOSE THAT I WILL AT LAST FIND MY TRUE SELF, MY SELF RESPECT AND SELF ESTEEM.

"It is never too late to be all you were meant to be"

Until we meet again dear butterflies...may you find yourself, by losing yourself to God's process for you, and then submitting to it. It is the only way!