That Beautiful Place Between The Way Things Were...And The Way Things Are Yet To Be

Hope

That Beautiful Place Between The Way Things Were…

And The Way Things Are Yet To Be

Just recently I had the pleasure of a visit from a little girl I had not seen in a very long time.

I was pleased to find that she is still very sweet, innocent, playful, intuitive, imaginative, and creative. She is simply a wonderful little three-year-old.

In fact I saw very clearly that she is more amazing than I remembered. 

She had a lot to show me during our visit and I was surprised at just how smart she is for her age.

As I watched her…she seemed to know without my asking just what I needed to see and hear.

She helped me remember things that grown-ups forget or give up on sometimes.

Her excitement for life, for love and happiness was like a breath of fresh air.

As we visited I couldn’t help but remember another time in my life... an easier time when the world had not yet clouded my heart and stifled my enthusiasm for living. A time when I was just as young as she.

A time when I was just happy in the present moment.

A time when I did not expect anything magnificent or grand…and yet somehow life really was magnificent… just as it was…one second at a time.

As I watched her…

For the first time in a long while I began to feel things I hadn’t felt in a while…contentment, peace, and most of all hope.

I was sad when the visit came to an end and I wanted her to stay longer.

She could sense this I think, because she promised I could call on her again, any time I needed her. 

 

I have been trying to think of a way to share this experience with you all.

A way that wouldn’t sound like I have lost my mind or creep-you-out.

However I am sorry to report, I haven’t really come up with anything…other than the straight forward truth.

So here it is…

The Way Things Were…

There are times in life when you just feel that something must change before it is too late.

Times when you feel so overwhelmed with a trial that the very core of your being is crying out for YOU/AND OR ANYONE to just do something…move…stop…get a grip.

You try telling yourself that you just need to change your attitude. But something…maybe the weight of the moment, hopelessness, despair, (I don’t know… call it what you may)…it just won’t budge.

For whatever the reason you…yourself…just can’t move it.

It feels like it should be so simple…but it’s not.   

You try everything you can think of, look everywhere you can think of… pray without ceasing…call on others for advice…read everything and anything you think might inspire or lift or move you.

At times you even feel the motivation to change things is just under the surface…just out of your reach. So close you can taste it. Yet the answer remains elusive.

Nothing works…and it feels like you are never going to rid yourself of this emotional monster.

In the mean-time, the monster continues to devour and consume all your time, thoughts, energy, peace and happiness.

Hopelessness is bitter and can feel very final and cold.

Ever been there?

If you haven’t I hope you never have to be.

For me…this is where I was when she came back into my life. The little girl I had forgotten…but needed so desperately to remember.

I think I have mentioned to you before that when you pray for God to intervene in your life…keep your eyes and heart open…you don’t want to miss his answers.

Everything and anybody can be a window or a door.

I’m not saying not to be cautious…but please be intuitive and discerning.  You may even have to be brave…and step outside your box.

Answers may come in some unexpected ways.

This particular morning…

I was desperate and although I had started seeing a Christian counselor, I felt like my pain and discouragement were becoming more and more intense and unbearable.

My counselor had warned me that things could get a lot worse emotionally for me before they would get better.

So being forewarned… I thought I was prepared and good to push forward.

But now…this was beginning to feel like the needle that could very well break the camels back.

Shouldn’t I be feeling better than this? Not only was I stressed and experiencing bouts with anxiety…but now health problems were beginning to pop up…like this red and very itchy rash. I literally felt like crawling out of my skin would be easier than this.

It has been almost three months since I began counseling sessions.

And then it happened…God opened a door.

While visiting Facebook I noticed a link to a blog that had been posted by a friend in Utah.

I had been following her comments on Facebook for a few years.

I knew she had faced a great emotional test in life with the death of her husband a few years earlier.

So… I had been watching and knew she was changing and seemed to be growing stronger and happier.

Out of curiosity I opened the blog and read her latest post.

Just like most of her more recent comments on Facebook, this too was very uplifting and positive.

She seemed to be on top of her emotional challenge.

I felt proud of her as I thought about how hard this must have been and probably still is.

The death of a spouse has got to be up there with the really hard stuff, right?

I had also read her comments about an institution for emotional healing there in Utah that she had approached for help.

Obviously she was doing something right. She appeared to be coping better and better.

Actually, not only coping, but had taken a certification course and was now working through the institution to help others.

Wow…talk about turning lemons into lemonade.

Maybe she can help me?

Maybe if she can feel better there is hope for me?

I felt impressed to reach out to her.

“If you want a process…you will need to be somewhere safe, alone and private when you call”, were her only instructions for me.

“Oh, you will probably need to have some tissue on hand.”

That's it?

No questions were asked about my problem at all.

Huh?

At the appointed day and time…I left my apartment and drove to a shopping center close by.

I was sure I would be comfortable and very alone here. I waited for her phone call.

I was nervous and questioned myself repeatedly while I waited.

I must be losing my mind for sure.

What am I doing?

Is this crazy?

Well what does it matter if it is crazy??…I have got to try something…anything and everything.

Anything is better than this pain.

I knew I could not fix this alone. God would have to intervene. I was hoping this was one of the ways he was trying to help me.

“Oh well, if I feel anything negative during the conversation I never have to call again. What can it hurt?”

The phone rang and we had a brief “catch up” conversation.

It had been several years since we had last spoken or seen each other anywhere but on Facebook.

There still were no questions about my problem or feelings?  

Don’t I need to tell her every single detail? How can this work?

I told her I had no idea how to even begin the conversation.

She assured me that that was ok.

She said, “Your body knows what you need to heal…and I know the right questions to ask you.

Don’t worry this will all turn out for your good.”

“Okay?”  Now with a promise like that I was more curious than ever.

Her first question;

“How old are you?”  I answered that I am 65.

“Then we need to go back to when you were three years old.”

Where would we have gone if I had been even older??  The womb?? J

 

That Beautiful Place between…

Called Hope

 

I giggled, at the thought of this…for a couple of reasons really;

1. I won’t remember much. That was forever ago. I am pretty old.

2. How in the world could my life as a three-year-old possibly have any answers for my now ADULT size problem?”

 

JBoy was I surprised!

 

At the end of a two hour process I was amazed and humbled at the insight and clarity this little three year old had to offer.

I was so completely taken by surprise at who she was at just three years of age.

I could not believe her gifts of discernment and insight. Gifts she used to understand the adults in her life.

Amazed at how she could read expression and mood and how these gifts helped her understand how she should approach those she loved and knew, as well as strangers.

So impressed with her ability of coping with what she was not capable of understanding. I believe that is called, FAITH. That was shocking to me.

I had read somewhere long ago that by the age of three we have pretty much developed our basic personality for life. Indeed what I saw in her was confirming just that.

I admired her gift of humor and how she used it to help the adults in her life feel happy…that being her intent for using it. I was touched beyond words at her desires to make those she loved feel happy.

Impressed and shocked at how easily she trusted completely.

But more than that…I fell in love with her.

I completely and totally love her.

God bless her…she is so amazing.

And the best part is…SHE is part of Me!!!

Do you understand the gift this was for me?

At this time in my life when I was so discouraged with my-self and my ability to conquer this monster…I suddenly saw some courage and strength within me. I suddenly saw myself as a heroine.

I am not going into a lot of detail about personal things I was able to remember as a three year old.

But I would like to share some about the techniques my friend used in the “process”.

The Process is the name of the technique we use for facilitating emotional healing (we may also refer to it as Emotional Processing, or Emotional Release Work). The Process creates an opportunity for you to safely REVISIT past trauma and experiences and RELEASE negative emotions, pain and toxic thinking. After releasing the negativity, space is opened for the heart to move to forgiveness and healing. After doing emotional release, the body can RENEW itself, positively affecting the immune system and increasing the flow of energy throughout the body. The Process is the emotional connection to healing.

The Process can help us identify our negative belief patterns and the age when they were created. Beliefs are

usually decided upon at an early age. Our perception is colored by the beliefs we hold in our minds. As we grow, we often continue using these belief patterns even when they are not effective.


Processing can help us make new choices about our belief systems. As we change our perceptions of the past, we alter our perception and experience of the future. We can mature emotionally, be more effective in our communication, and release toxins that affect the functions of the body. Our health can be greatly improved when we use the power of the mind, body, and spirit to bring about healing and well-being. We have greater power to get what we choose out of life

http://www.ihaofutah.com/the-process

Most of what I got was partial memories…the feelings and emotions that came with these memories were more prominent and profound than the actual memory itself.

I feel I was able to recall 100 % the feelings that came with the partial memories. When I say partial I mean I could not remember every little detail of my three year old experiences.

I was able to recall several memories that helped me understand that I had some pretty intense feelings as a little three year old. Feelings like…fear, confusion, loneliness, concern for others, curiosity and love.

My friend had promised this would all turn out for my best and that she knew the right questions to ask.

She kept her promise.

The result for me has been a greater appreciation and love for who I am.

The insight I am gaining also gives me hope that I will actually find peace and healing with this trial.

I have arrived…arrived to that ‘in-between-place’ called hope.

That Beautiful Place Between…Called Hope

It was true….everything I need to heal is known by my body soul and spirit.

Having this experience with a little girl of just three years old, had shown me that I could heal and that I would.

Upon reflection I realize that God wanted me to remember my gifts and strengths.

He wanted me to understand that through trial…we not only grow but we harvest gifts and light.

That when we are able to face and walk through a trial, we will walk away with new insights and strength and gifts.

I’m not saying the process wasn’t painful and very emotional. I was exhausted at the end of it.

And I am not saying it is over. Or that I am NOW FIXED!

No, I’m not saying that at all.

But I am, at this point ready to learn where the root of this problem began.

This gut wrenching painful problem – feels like a knot deeply embedded in the pit of my stomach and attached to something I have no power over.

But…God does.

For those of you who are curious about the institution here is the web link: http://www.ihaofutah.com/

Welcome to the Institute of Healing Arts!

We Focus on the Emotional Connection to Healing

 

 

The Way Things Are Yet To Be

I had a few days to think about the process I had completed with my Utah friend, before my next appointment with my Christian counselor.

 

I continued to be astonished at the feelings and emotions I had been able to recall as a three year old.

 

I thought about it a lot.

 

I knew somehow it was a major break-through that I could love this little three year old part of me so passionately.

 

The beginning of Hope was rising in my heart…

 

But I was still not completely sure how all this would help me with my big emotional, heart breaking gut wrenching problem.

 

In fact I had more questions about it now.

 

Why was it so intense…Why did it consume me?

Why did it make me so angry?

Why was my spirit so offended and insistent that it be gone now…yesterday!

 

The morning of my appointment with my Christian counselor came.

I arrived strengthened by prayer and hopeful.

 

I was sure God would continue to guide me and teach me what he needed me to know next.

 

My counselor told me I had been on her heart and in her prayers and that she would like to have an Intercessory Prayer with me at this session.

 

I didn’t know what all that would entail but I do love and trust my counselor.

I have great faith in her spirituality and in her ability to be guided in my behalf by the Holy Ghost.

Here is a definition I googled:

 

Intercessory Prayer - What is it?
Intercessory prayer is prayer for others. An intercessor is one who takes the place of another or pleads another's case. One study Bible defines intercession as "holy, believing, persevering prayer whereby someone pleads with God on behalf of another or others who desperately need God's intervention."

 

 Anyway, I agreed…and we began.

There was no time to tell her about the appointment and time I had spent with my friend from Utah.

Besides, I was still trying to process all that. And I was really not sure how to tell her about it.

 

The result…another two hours of deep emotional plodding through memories, images and feelings.

 

Interesting enough it started with another visit with the three year old Linda.

 

This time I went through adolestant and teenage years with her.

Moving through similar experiences that were connected somehow...

 

How did I know they were all connected??

I knew when they were connected to my originating monster because the gut wrenching pain was always associated at some level with the memory or flash back.

 

Then finally we fell upon the hot spot.

This is where the pain was the most intense.

 

Now I am almost certain that I know where the monster originated…many many years ago.

 

Left unresolved or misunderstood for two reasons I think.

1. No one involved knew how to talk about it or resolve it.
2. And, it was painful for all involved…let’s just pretend it never happened and it will go away.
    

Feeling it was better to just NOT think or talk about it. I tried to forget about it.

 

This was not a memory I had forgotten…but I had tried to put it out of my mind, so much so, that I had not seen the possible connect to this as a reason for all this pain.

 

Not until I recalled it during this counseling session, and felt that same gut wrenching pain the minute it came to mind.

 

Evidently when I wasn’t looking this past experience of great sorrow and pain burrowed itself deep in the pit of my spirit.

 

There it waited for similar life experiences to develop.

  

Each time a similar experience would develop the monster would dreg up the past pain and do some bundling.

 

This bundling is a sort of spinning…like a spider wrapping its prized possession up for safe keeping….

 

Well, there unresolved and very well hidden by now, it grew and festered like poisonous mucus…filling up far beyond my capacity to hold or contain it…

 

Finally after years of swelling to the bursting point, it opened and spilled over into my relationships.

 

Infecting my self-confidence as a woman.

 

The damage done by the monster has been crippling and devastating for me.

 

Destroying my confidence in love relationships and leaving me very bitter toward those who sometimes… yes and without realizing they were doing so…conjure up the same or similar kinds of pain within me.

 

So yes…sometimes my reactions were over reactive…due to the source and “yard stick” I used to measure every love relationship with.

 

Finally it was so toxic that anything I saw or heard similar to the originating experience sent me spiraling down and out of control.

 

This is where I now found myself…

Where even a TV show, scene in a movie or innocent comment made by a total stranger could trigger the button that would send a message to this memory…GO ABSOLUTELY BESURCK!!!

 

Some of these trigger experiences have been absolutely terrifying for me.

 

I have felt at times that I am literally going crazy.

I have felt desperate to get these images out of my head.

I have wanted to run…run away from anything or anyone who triggers them.

I have been living in fear of where the next trigger may appear and what damage it will do next.

 

Hence the fight or flight chemicals poured through my blood stream causing…pain overload, stress and anxiety.

 

What an amazing amount of pain and confusion suppressing a memory from so very long ago as caused in my life.

 

I fear that the rippling effects have even spilled over into the lives of my children and now my grandchildren will run the risk of being contaminated.

 

As I sit here writing this I am realizing even now more fully the monumental effects this one life experience left unhealed has managed to grow into.

Quite frankly maybe even a full fledge personal and quite possibly family epidemic.

 

Can I recover…Can others who have been affected by my pain recover?

 

The little girl in me says yes…but only God knows for sure.

 

Thank you Father for helping me finally understand where this pain is coming from.

Thank you for bringing me to the place in between…the place of hope.

 

Hope

That Beautiful Place Between The Way Things Were…

And The Way Things Are Yet To Be

 

 

Because I have made it this far… to this place of “in between”…

I have hope that I will make it to the way things are yet to be.

For there is promise there that God will heal me and restore my soul to peace, love and contentment.