2013 Left Me With My Cup Running Over

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.



He leadeth me besides the still waters. He restoreth my soul. He leadeth me in paths of righteousness for his namesake.



Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.



Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. Thou anointest my head with oil. My cup runneth over.



Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord, forever. 

How can it be that I have read this and heard this repeated all my life and never until now, at age 65, understood it?

 I always thought it was lovely and nice…but that was all.

Now I realize that there is something very healing here in these words that I had never noticed before.

It was not until I was faced with the realization that I have a spiritual problem of gigantic proportions looming within me, which I cannot fix, when I read this pslam differently than I had ever read or heard it before.

My Gigantic Problem…

I cannot seem to find words that express how heavily this problem has burdened and continues to torment me.

Really the problem is actually emotional and mental but my spirit finds it extremely offensive.

So it is a spiritual problem for me. It is as though I can hear an urgent pleading of my spirit to please FIX this!

But have found it is an impossibility for me.

The word RUN as entered my heart repeatedly.

At times it has been enough to make me want to crawl out of my own skin.

Let me just say I have a new appreciation for the story of David being faced with his Goliath.

I certainly feel that I have encountered one of my own.

Of course my problem is not what I want to dwell on here.

We all must face our Goliaths, right?

It is the 23^rd Psalm that I have discovered as a tender mercy from God that I am excited about.

It has become my balm of Gilead.

How I discovered it…

A friend encouraged me to read it. She told me she loved it and that it often calmed and comforted her in the midst of trouble.

She told me that any time she found herself feeling over whelmed or discouraged she would repeat it over and over until she felt better.

She even related to me that one night she rehearsed it so many times that she doesn’t remember how or when she fell asleep. The next morning she simply awoke to find herself refreshed and comforted.

I was curious about the psalm then so I did look it up and read through it.

But it was not until I had the help of a christian counselor that I began to read and feel the words in relationship to me and my life.

Was I really thinking I was going to fix THIS…? All by Myself???  

I did give it some consideration several times but felt overwhelmed and very small at each attempt. Hence, I went in search of a christian counselor at the urging of the very same friend who told me how she loved the 23^rd Psalm.

Help!

Even David had the strength of the Lord when he went out to face Goliath.

I have felt my back against the wall at other times in life so I recognized this for what it was for me. Insurmountable!

But NOT something I could put on the back burner or sweep under the carpet and forget about. It had to be dealt with and soon!

My counselor suggested and had me write down a personal prayer that was based on the Lord’s Prayer.

She told me that every time I felt negative I was to replace those thoughts with this prayer. A prayer that asked Jesus to come into my mind and heart and take control as I learned to call upon him to heal this negativity and burden.  

As I recited the personal prayer I saw similarities with how I felt when I read the 23^rd Psalm.

Did David write this as he struggled with his flesh? Did he have a burden to bear that was insurmountable?

As I questioned this in my heart and reflected again and again on the words of the Psalm I began to wonder if David was hurting when he wrote it.

Were these words born out of Him reaching to the ONE person who could heal him?

“He restoreth my soul”

These words jumped off the page and entered my heart like a warm sunny light.

I smiled as I read the phrase over and over, “ HE restoreth my soul”.

Tears began to flow and calm, sweet feelings gave me hope for the first time in weeks.

There it was in black and white.

HE would restore my soul. Only He could do it.

He can fix this!

Where once I saw only darkness…I now felt there was light and hope.

David knew it.

And now, somehow I knew it.

Thank you God. You are so amazing.

This psalm has become a life line, source of inspiration, comfort and love for me over the last couple of months this 2013. 

Many hard, emotionally painful things happened to me and my family during 2013 but for me this was a tender mercy from God to receive such a treasure of comfort at the end of a long dark tunnel.

The following is how the 23rd Psalm reads to me.

I have to admit though that each time I read it and recite it I feel more. So as it stands right now…this is what I have learned.

The Lord Is My Shepherd…

Out of nothing I can do…except to realize it…the Lord Is my Shepherd.

He is my Savior whether I choose to believe it or not. Nothing can now, ever has or will change that.

I am not the shepherd…I am the flock.

Me thinking that I have the power to change, be, become or fix anything about me is absurd.

The very breath I take is given by He who paid for my transgressions, pains, sufferings, hurts, problems, illnesses, burdens and cares. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows my heart and loves me anyway. His love is amazing.

He paid the price already, the very price too high and insurmountable for me to pay by myself.

Bought and purchased me with His blood. I belong to Him whether I choose to acknowledge it or not.

I am nothing without him and could survive on this planted about 2 seconds without Him.

There is great power and comfort in accepting this.

He alone can fix me.

 

I shall not want…

Accepting Him as my shepherd means that all my wants will be supplied.

This tells me that everything I need to lead and get me safely back home rests in His care.

The shepherd knows better than the sheep what they need.

But, as long as I choose to believe He is my shepherd, I will always have the very things I need. Not everything I want or desire but better than that…

The things I NEED.

Just think…with no effort on my part other than to accept the Lord as my shepherd I can have everything I need in this life. He is a failsafe way to have exactly what you need in life. No more worry about making mistakes that lead astray…stay on the path…all that is needed is to follow the shepherd.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures…

Ever wonder where the expression, the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill came from?

We, the sheep tend to get off the path and often follow each other into parts unknown.

Looking with our natural eyes some things that are not so good for us can appear greener or better than they really are.

The shepherd knows where the greenest pastures are. His intention is to get us there the best and safest way.

He created me that I might feel the full measure and possibility of the best of what life has to offer and teach me…

His purpose is to bring about the eternal life and happiness of me and all mankind.

He has intended me to partake of the best of everything he has to offer.

The greenest pastures…the best part.

There is something about the phrase, “he maketh me to lie down in green pastures”, that lets me know that I am loved beyond my understanding.

He leadth me beside the still waters…

Rough water can evoke fear and panic paralyzing us and making the way difficult.

The Savior’s example while on this earth was to show us the paths that follow the still waters.

Choose to follow his example. Emulate His life.  

Stay close to the ways he directs us to go and the waters will always be still.

He restoreth my soul…

I have already described how reading this phrase of the psalm touched and brought hope to my heart.

Basically, He has my back.

His love and mercy is immeasurable by the world’s standards.

He has paid the price too great for me to pay.

I belong to Him.

He leadth me in paths of righteousness for His names sake…

His name, His life, His purpose…was for me.

He came to fulfill the Fathers will and save me and you.

He thought I was important enough to die for so of course he has laid out the path I need to follow. In a way it is His insurance policy. Bought and paid for with His blood. My part is just to accept Him and walk the path. Even if I made a mistake…it is fool proof.

He has left nothing to chance.

His ways and the path He laid for us are true and trustworthy. He is the same today, tomorrow as always.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. 

Right now I feel like I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death…walking to face my Goliath…but I am NOT alone.

My Savior will lead my steps, inspire my directions, and help me discern the choices I need to make. He will restore my soul to peace and joy.

I realize this by knowing that this burden is beyond me. It is insurmountable for me.

Then why should I fear. He has already taken care of this for me long ago when me completed the atonement and died for me and you.

He will restore and heal my heart and spirit. I feel it is true.

Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

A shepherd has a rod and staff. He uses these things to lead and guide his sheep. His love, His teachings, His commandments and His example are a comfort and a source of strength and light.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. 

While walking on earth we encounter many who don’t want us recognize our shepherd.

These are mostly those (and/or are influenced by) whose who are a third of the host of heaven who chose to follow Satan.

Their job is to keep us from finding our way and recognizing the shepherd.

They are the real enemies we face every day.

I have heard and read that the real battles we face in life will be in our minds.
This is Satan’s battleground and where we fight and encounter him daily.

But in the midst of their presence a table has been prepared for me.

Yes the earth has been prepared by the Lord as his footstool for our place of learning and growing…Satan is here with his angels.

This phrase gives me comfort in knowing that the Lord completes his work in spite of he who wants to destroy us.

Good will always win in the end and cannot be stopped by the powers of darkness.

Thou anointest my head with oil…

Oil is used to consecrate blessings…or seal them upon us. The Lord has ordained us to receive His fullness and His richest blessings.

My cup runneth over…

This, to me goes along with the last phrase. He has so many blessings for us that we would never be able to receive them all. Our cups would run to over flowing again and again.

But He has said that all that He has is ours.

All that is required is to receive Him as our Savior and follow the shepherd.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord, forever…

I see this phrase…as my legacy to my posterity

The Savior follows our Heavenly Father and does all that the Fathers asks of Him.

The Savior is our shepherd He has asked us to follow Him just as He follows Heavenly Father.

Just as Abraham was promised that his seed would be blessed there is promise for our posterity in the things we do. All that we do really matters, I believe much much more than we can begin to even imagine.

When we decide to follow the shepherd, it influences others who are watching us.  

Like sheep…really all you need to start is just one who believes with all his heart…and then all the others will join in.

Joining in is the first step…once we see the goodness and mercy that is promised by following the shepherd all the sheep become dedicated to the cause.

So all the days of my life on earth and throughout all eternity will be in following the shepherd of mankind and then… surely goodness and mercy will follow me and be a light for others to follow.

These are my interpretations….

This is of course my interpretation and is for me.

You may read something else here depending on what the Savior and our shepherd feels you are in need of in your life.

But in every way that really matters, and to quote David…”the Lord is My Shepherd”.

And because David took the time to write his feelings in the 23^rd Psalm, my life has now been changed and enlightened for the better…

My cup runneth over.

 

 

Gratitude #2

So grateful for men of steel, courage and great compassion

My Brothers ­ Russell and Buster

 

 

Russell, Linda and Bruce Jr Williams

 

A brother shares childhood memories and grown-up dreams. 

~Author Unknown

 

You know…there are no spiritual coincidences…when someone good comes into your life it is very much on purpose. In fact it is God’s purpose to bring them into your life. All good comes from God.

 

And when I count my good gifts from God… these two men rank up at the top.

 I could not be more proud if they had been born the sisters I always thought I wanted as a young girl…

I could not hope to find truer friends anywhere.

There is something so comforting in knowing that these two men have my back…

I could not expect to ever understand what I did to hold the honor and title of “sister” to these two amazing men for which I am feeling very grateful.

 

Yes there was a time when I did not feel this way…

No, I have not always appreciated or felt grateful to have two younger brothers…

 

I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers.  It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage.  Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.  ~Maya Angelou

 

As a young child I did not understand where these two showed up from…I was the main attraction in the family for 4 years. I had everyone’s attention and was pretty spoiled.

Needless to say I was happy with the way things were going and had no clue that anyone else was needed or even being considered AT ALL!

Just seems like all of a sudden… in the blink of an eye, they were there and for me nothing was ever the same again.

The first I remember being aware that someone else was as important to Mom and Dad as I had been…was my four year old Christmas.

I woke up early, of course, don’t all kids?

Mom and Dad were still asleep. I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, smiled and jumped out of bed.

Remembering it was Christmas morning I hurriedly made my skipping, giggling way to the living room.

For that is where Santa always left lots of treasures for me.

Yep! And Yippee!!!…He has been here!

Wow and holy cow!!!…lots more gifts this year.

Giggle, giggle, giggle…I could not contain my excitement and ran to share the news with Mom and Dad.

As I ran back into the living room after delivering my excitement to two very sleepy parents, I thought I heard mom saying something but really didn’t have time to listen.

When I got to the living room again I saw there were two stacks of wrapped gifts, a doll in a carriage and a trike

I was so over whelmed I did not know where to start.

But before I could, start that is…Mom came into the room and instead of taking a seat to watch me, as she had done in the past; she let me know that this time Santa had brought half of these gifts for my new baby brother, Buster.

Really? What is he gonna do with presents? He can’t do anything but poop and eat. hehehehehe

Just kidding…however I do remember being surprised that he was getting presents from MY Santa Clause!

But believe me after about two minutes I forgot he was even there…I was way too busy with unwrapping all the wonderful gifts of my own.

Sharing…after that Christmas…got easier and easier each passing year.

I don’t remember ever feeling that my parents preferred my brothers over me. Just so grateful that I always felt they loved all three of us.

More Lessons in Sharing…

One thing I never got use to sharing with my brothers was the back seat of the car.

The first car I remember was a dark blue two door Ford.

Only one way in to the back seat…and there seemed to be…NO WAY OUT!!

Really…I can’t recall just how many times I wished I could get out of their way back there.

By the time Buster and Russell were three and four years old they had perfected wiggling, scuffling and fighting.

And Me? Well I was just trying to learn to stay OUT of their way!

Of course, wiggling, scuffing and fighting can be pretty noisy.

This can be unnerving for two parents who are either trying to get us somewhere while keeping us relatively still dressed up… or just out for a Sunday drive trying to find some peace and sanity while taking a break from the routine of weekly home life and work.

For what- ever reasons… my parents had a limit to just how much ruckus they would permit in the back seat of our car.

Now Mom had a few things she would do to try to get them to calm down…none of which worked on anyone… that is not on the boys, just the only innocent child in the car…namely - me.

 I had perfected the art or feel…and knew when it was coming…the rage that is.

 I knew just when to calm down and did so…long before my clueless brothers ever had a hint Mom was reaching the boiling point.

Far as I know Dad didn’t have one, a boiling point. If he did we never knew it…he didn’t need one… not as long as he had Mom. J He was as afraid of her as we were.

Mom’s Strategy…

First she tried to separate them, hoping distance would make it harder for them to scuffle and fight.

Guess how! With ME of course!

Yes, people I have been used as a human separation device.  And it was not fun or pretty.

Why Mom continued to use this approach was amazing to me. It never worked. 

All it did was make things worse…for me.

So then they fought over, on top of and around me.
They always enjoyed using me as a shield as they tried to out-do each other.

Keeping score as to who could hit the other the most…while hiding behind me.

Of course if I got hit... I hit them back J I’m not without shame…the whole fiasco only raged hotter and louder…when I was put in the middle. 

Next, and only after yelling first…Mom would become angry… which was a sign to me that soon she would be thrusting her arm over the back seat to pinch the boys L

I’m frowning because I was usually the easiest to reach…thus…I got most of the pinches.

Although Mom was not trying to reach me…she never gave up trying to reach the boys until they got at least a few of the pinches.

Let me just put it this way…I got two out of every four she gave.

I never learned to appreciate how to share the back seat with two younger brothers.

But I am pretty darn sure they loved that I was there to share it with them.

Having me back there to hide behind must have been a great blessing to them J No need to thank me now…too late J

I could go on and on here. The stuff these two put me through was amazing. Including but not limited to, teasing, taunting, accusing and embarrassing.

How I ever managed to fall in love with them is beyond understanding. Really. 

Somehow they have managed to melt my heart and there is not much I wouldn’t do for either one of them.

Putting aside all joking now, at some point in time these two grew up and became amazing men and brothers.

I know them today as men of valor, courage, strength, compassion, love and kindness.

They are two who make sacrifices every day for the ones they love.

 

Words of encouragement and compassion...

It was summer…hot…and I was, of course pregnant… with # six.

When I was in my pregnant mood… I was not only sick and nauseous but had absolutely zero energy.

Didn’t last the whole pregnancy, but up until about the beginning of the 5th month I felt drugged and lifeless every day.

This makes it very difficult when you have five others to care for who feel great, have lots of energy and have no idea what in the hell is wrong with Mom.

It was one of those days.

It was late afternoon and I was not even pretending to give a damn how I acted at this point.

I felt awful and extremely exhausted.

Requests and demands were flying but I was not responding.

I had gone back to the bedroom to rest for a few minutes.

In those days…our church had a mid-week program for children. We called it Primary.

The kids loved it.

Probably due a lot to the fact that they got to get out of the house and away from their pregnant and irritable Mommy dearest!.

Mommy dearest, a nick-name I picked up from my youngest.

Who by the way is the only one of my children who was lucky enough not to ever know me pregnant J  And STILL she thought the title fit?

Go figure J

Anyway, unknown to me, my brother Buster had stopped by to check on me and was entering the kitchen area just as I let out a loud scream at one of the kids.

It was something about putting something up or stop with the noise I am sure.  

Don’t remember what.

Do remember that as I was walking up the hall one of the kids asked when we were leaving for Primary…I yelled back, NEVER!

I then entered the kitchen and saw my brother.

 I don’t know which of us was more embarrassed by my behavior, me or him.

He could have excused himself and left but he didn’t.

I can’t remember how he turned this around for me that day…but I do remember his compassion for me. He did not judge.

He touched my heart and I began to cry.

I ended up pouring my heart out to him that day.

I told him I was so exhausted from trying to be a good mother while feeling like crap.

He convinced me that I was a wonderful mother and that everything would be ok.

I was allowed to feel like crap…I was building a baby.

He brought peace and love into my home that day.

This is typical of him.

He is always kind, open and accepts me as I am.

We have had many heart felt encounters since this day.

We often share concerns and problems with each other without judging.

Wow… now that means a lot in a world that is so quick to judge and criticize

Thanks for being there for me.

 I love you Buster.

 

The guardian…

I could just say ditto and let you know that Russell is the same as Buster, because he is.

Never judging me, always compassionate and giving.

But the fact is that he has been lots of things to me and my children in this life.

His titles don’t stop with brother…but include Santa Clause, super hero, football star, missionary, bishop, gift giver, councilor, advisor and guardian. Just to name a few.

He gave my children Christmas one year when we had very little.

He and Buster both set a great example for my oldest. Always spending time with him and treating him like one of their own.

As a bishop in our church Russell has had several opportunities to counsel and help my children.

Especially when they were faced with harsh challenges in life and needed to be advised and comforted.

It was comforting to me as a mother to know that they were not being judged but counseled with love by my brother.

Russell once told me that he prays for me and my children every night. He then asked me to pray for his.

This was many years ago when our children were very young. But I have no doubt that he still prays for me and my children always.

Why? Because he promised me he would.

Since my divorce several years ago he has never failed to be there for me.

Going so far as to tell me that I could always have a place to live in his home.

I have come to trust his counsel and advice. I have received many priesthood blessings at his hands for health, strength and peace in my life.

He has never failed me as a brother nor as a friend.

Not too long ago I went to him with a heavy burden that was so binding as to make me feel like a failure.

I was troubled and feeling so unworthy of God’s love.

He just looked at me after listening and pointed out all the things about me that he loved.

He looked right into my eyes with sincerity and told me that after hearing my confessions he still thought of me as 10. And that I always would be in his eyes because of the life I tried to live.

He has my back as well as Buster’s.

In tears I have heard him proclaim is admiration for us both.

I have no doubt that he would stand up for me and Buster in any situation.

Now I just have to add that I would do the same for the both of them.

 

Is there any wonder why I love these two men…

Just recently I was challenged to write a letter to God requesting what I considered to be important in a help mate or husband.

I was challenged to ask for all the qualities I consider being important to fulfill a great relationship.

This challenge is what caused me to start thinking about the kind of men these two are.

So…considering this challenge, I must admit that if I could make such a request of God…

It would be to have a man of steel, courage and great compassion.

A man like my brothers.