I am really feeling uninspired as I sit here preparing to write a post for my blog tonight. I have done my Google search for inspiration, reflected over the past week about the challenges I faced, considered conversations with friends and family, and reflected on what I used to keep me going. BUT all I keep thinking about is 'my butterfly necklace'. I wear it every day as a reminder to stay focused on the process of change.

The process?? it has not been something I saw in it's entirety when I began. I make changes and adjustments as I go. I am learning that change is a process, and there are many stages involved. You know as well as I that it doesn't happen over night. So in order to keep changing, growing and becoming you have to realize that each stage is important and will reveal itself as you need to know it. I try to tell myself this, that every stage is important, when I get sooooooo ready to be accomplished and there, and THIN right now ALREADY!!

Butterflies possess the ability to grow and change, leaving the safety of their cocoon to discover a new world in a new form without fear, trusting their untested wings to fly without a doubt in their minds. They work through many important stages to become the beautiful creature they are. Similar to the butterfly, we too are always moving through different stages, each equally as vital. It is no good rushing to a particular stage, nor is it good getting stuck at a stage and becoming stagnant. Butterfly is a potent symbol for those considering, or in the throes of, a big change.

My Butterfly Necklace I did not plan to buy and wear a butterfly necklace on the first day of my journey. I bought it about 6 months into my quest. I use it to remind me that this is a process and I want to stay open to inspiration and change. I fell asleep one night thinking about how hard it is to stay focused and committed and all the temptations that seem so overwhelming at times. When I woke up the next morning I thought about butterflies and wondered about the process of going from a yucky, creepy, crawly worm to a beautiful and vibrant colored butterfly, free from the bondage of crawling  in the dirt and getting nowhere fast…. to soaring in the heavens with dignity and grace. I decided to take that symbol as mine as a physical reminder of what I was hoping to accomplish. A Big Change.

 I am constantly changing….changing the way I eat, drink, exercise, think and get around.  You might say I am always changing or modifying my game plan. I imagine that I am the coach of a football team getting ready for an important, make or break game. Although the men I know will say every game is make or break. J Anyway, like an important football game, I am the coach and I have a pretty dang good idea what I need to do to win the game, but as the coach, I know it is important to always keep myself focused on what is happening in the game. If things go sour, I evaluate my plays, the environment and my moral. I never hesitate to adjust or change the game plan, it is always changing. The only thing that remains the same is
I NEED TO WIN!!

‘Most people don’t even notice my necklace…as you can see here in this photo it is pretty small. But I know it is there…I feel it and see it’s reflection as I look in mirrors. It has become very important to me. I often reach for it and hold it between my fingers as it serves a constant reminder of what I am doing. Right now I am planning to wear it until I finish my quest. However long that…takes. But I have learned that I can change my mind…and probably will.’ You know when you see a tiny cocoon hanging from a tree so quiet and still.....you can't imagine how important that cocoon is to the soon to be butterfly? It is that way with my necklace, it is just hanging there quietly but I who wear it is Sooooo aware of how important it is to my changing process.

The Butterfly is also one of the most inspiring symbols of the animal world, knowing precisely the time to leave the comfort and limitation of its cocoon, flying freely into the world. Quite frequently, we are not so certain. The cocoon of our thoughts and fears may be limiting, they are also safe and familiar. We can become afraid of what may be outside of our limiting thoughts and belief systems, trapping us and holding us back from ourselves, from our dreams and desires, from our unlimited potential.

The Stages of Becoming  I could be completely wrong here, but since butterflies cannot talk I am going with my take on what goes through their tiny little butterfly mind as they decide to change.  I think they feel a change is needed and want very much to achieve it, but they have no idea how to accomplish it.  They just trust they will figure it how as they go. They follow their instincts or intuition or inspiration, whatever you want to call it. But whatever their thought process, I believe the desire is what empowers them. The desire and will is so great they are willing to face the unknown to make the change.

The Yellow Butterfly

A story is told of a caterpillar named Yellow who was trying to find out what she should be doing with her life.

In her wanderings she discovered another caterpillar seemingly caught in some gauzy, hairy filament. Concerned, she asked if she could help.

He explained that this was all part of the process of becoming a butterfly.
When she heard the word butterfly, her whole insides leapt.

“But what is a butterfly?”
The cocooned caterpillar explained: “It’s what you are meant to become.”

Yellow was intrigued but a bit defiant. “How can I believe there’s a butterfly inside you or me when all I see is a fuzzy worm?”
On further reflection she pensively asked, “How does one become a butterfly?”
And the answer? “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”  

(By Trina Paulus', HOPE FOR THE FLOWERS) 

Change is a process and each stage of the process is important. But, first you must want it more than you want to stay where you are. Hey, J  sounds like we are back to loving ourselves again. That love, or at least the spark or beginning to love yourself, is and always will be what was the first step for me.

Here are several steps I have used in my process or transformation so far. I am sharing these with you here in hopes to encourage you or inspire you to find your own.

1)     I stay focused on 10 lbs. at a time. The larger goal is in view, but in 10 lb. chunks. Any bigger focus for me becomes too far away and feels insurmountable. It is a mountain too far away to start climbing right now. I am still just approaching, focusing on the path and just keeping the mountain in my peripheral vision.  I can see it in the distance. I know it is there. This is just my way of sneaking up on it. The journey of a million miles is just a series of small and consistent steps. Becoming a butterfly is a long process for a human…I know it is not possible really to become a butterfly, but this is an analogy silly. I really don’t have a ‘for sure” ending weight either. I am older now and it has been so long, I can't imagine what number it will take for me to look like Linda again. I know what I am supposed to or want to look like and how I want to feel when I am done. So I just celebrate each time I overcome 10 lbs. of struggle. Then, I focus on the next 10. Besides I am changing here not really dieting because the word diet tells your brain, hey, when you get done you can have a doughnut everyday again. No not me. I can never have a doughnut every day ever again. I am changing my life, NOT dieting.

2)     I weigh myself every three to four days. Sometimes everyday though, it just depends on how I am feeling. I use the scale to evaluate my progress. I know some of these 10 lb. chunks are harder than others to move. If I see that I am struggling to get on down the scale in a reasonable amount of time, I evaluate what I have been eating and adjust. I adjust the carbs, the salt, the portions, my exercise and my attitude. I usually give myself about a month and a half to lose 10 lbs.

3)    Early on, I decided that I needed a plan for when I just feel like I need some comfort food, something sweet or whatever. I have found that salsa works for me. I love the spicy, salty, tomato thing it has going on. A couple of tablespoons of salsa have about 10 calories and 10 big corn chips have around 120 calories. I actually love salsa so much I crave it and sometimes just want to turn the bottle up and chug it. I can eat a whole cup at a time for sure. Probably not real good to eat that much but I justify it occasionally anyway because it is not a candy bar right? I will lay out 10 chips that I can have or allow myself and I just scoop up as much salsa has it will hold and enjoy. I also will eat it this for maybe lunch, and that will be it…because I do eat a whole cup. I don’t know…. call me crazy…but I am a salsa girl. What is going to be your safety net or new comfort food? Come on you know there is something out there that you can replace that treat with. No, okay then…but you need to find one, really. The day will come when you will need that safety net because the fallout from a candy bar is hard to recover from. Some addictive foods are like coming down from drugs. Shhhh! Don't tell but....I think the food industry puts addiction in some treats, like candy bars and coke, for this purpose. THAT is how they plan to buy all of their employees catalacs (sp). I know I have contributed to this insanity myself. So when you see a smug little old grey haired guy driving a catalac around....just remember how he got it and the PRICE, you paid you it!

4)     Occasionally I buy something I love and know I am at least 10 lbs. away from being able to wear. Peggy, my daughter, noticed I was constantly going back to the larger sizes even though I had lost more weight. Sometimes it is hard to believe you are getting thinner when you have seen yourself over weight for a long time. To help me get over this, Peggy has taught me to be a bargain shopper. She loves the challenge and is, well great at it. She is the one who encouraged me to buy something I will be soon be able to wear. I am a frequent patron of Goodwill and Ross now. Have you seen the almost new clothes people give to good will? And did you know that Ross has awesome prices for brand name stuff?  If not, get over your vanity. Good place to find great items to work your way into, 10 lbs. at a time.

5)     Another, and my last tip for this time, cause this is getting way too long, I try to take pride in how I look every day now. I take time for me each morning. As soon as I feel like I look my best then I am ready to put that to rest, and tackle whatever I need to do for the day.  I usually shower, do makeup and dress like I give a damn. I am not vain, but even vanity might be better than where I have been. Linda has feelings you know, I need to be important enough for me to care, and care right now today!  I am not going to wait until I am at a certain weight to take pride in what I look like anymore or who I am. I am 63 now; I am not getting younger here........just but thinner hopefully.  I have found that this affects my attitude and accomplishments, and actually keeps me more positive at reaching my 10 lb. at a time, goals. Besides, I am starting to really enjoy the interesting looks I get from men. I know for some of you, it should be the interesting looks you get from one man, I am certainly not telling you to become a flirt, but for me right now, I am just enjoying the looks and smiles. I actually love that I am starting to feel alive again. And that I am a woman. Something funny is… I used to think old men looked funny and unattractive. Now that I feel better about myself…they look better. How the heck is that happening? Who knew? Turns out, I am attracted to old men after all. In fact the younger ones make me nervous and I don't trust when they think it is ok to look at an older woman. YUCK! That is just insane! I could be your mother!!! Stop IT!!! Some old men, NO MOST old men, are even balding and have facial hair, which used to be a turn-off for me. Maybe you are, right now, having a struggle being attracted to your man and can’t understand why you ever were attracted to him anyway?? Hey, I am just saying…. Maybe it is simply because you don’t feel attractive yourself?? No telling what the hell he really looks like becasue YOU are trying to see him through FAT eyes! THIN UP GIRL, LOL. Hmmmmm?? Oh well, just some food for thought. :-)

Goodnight butterflies…Love and sweet dreams until next time.