If it’s not worth saying out loud, it’s probably not worthy of saying to yourself”

“Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to anyone else. If it’s not worth saying out loud, it’s probably not worthy of saying to yourself”

I have never really thought of myself as a negative person that is until a couple of years ago. I thought being negative meant injecting negative comments about the circumstances or about other’s physical or personal flaws. Don’t get me wrong I have been pretty judgmental at times, some of my son-in-laws will attest, but for the most part I am pretty easy to please and accepting of others.  What I did not even realize is how unaccepting and unloving I had become to myself. Thus, the above quote, “Don’t say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to anyone else. If it’s not worth saying out loud, it’s probably not worthy of saying to yourself”

If took a pretty scary experience for me to realize just how bad negative self-talk can be. I would not normally share something this personal with anyone accept family or very close friends because there is always something lost in the translation of personal spiritual experiences, but for the sake of you understanding just where my head was, I will share.

One evening two of my children were sharing comments about a pretty scary movie they had been to see during the week. I had not seen the movie but was listening to the conversation. I was aware as I listened that what they were sharing was conjuring up some pretty dramatic and frightening scenes in my imagination but I did not give it another thought as the conversation soon changed to more pleasant things. Soon everyone went their own way and I got ready for bed. What happened next scared the blue blazes out of me and sent me almost running to turn the light on in my room, which I kept on the rest of the night. I barely slept a wink. In fact I slept with the light on the entire next week.

After laying myself down to sleep, and while I was just in that twilight place, where you are almost asleep but not really, I thought I was dreaming that a small dark figure, that I won’t even attempt to describe (Let’s just say I wasn’t frightened at first at his appearance, I was just focused on what he or it was doing). He was peering into what I thought was a window. It looked like he was trying to see inside, like he was trying to figure out if someone was home or just exactly what was going on. It seemed like he was trying to decide if it was safe to go in?? Don’t know because at this point I realized this was no ordinary looking person, just a dark figure. Not like anyone I had ever seen. At this same time I gasped for air, guess I had been holding my breath, as I realized he was not peering into a room but looking into my soul, head. He was peering in through my eyes. My eyes were the windows he was looking into. He was right up in my face.  Believe me I thought the worst, and he was moving closer like he had decided to come in. It was at this point that I woke up and at straight up in bed startled. I then jumped and remember almost leaping toward my bed room light.

Like I said, I barely slept that night or the following nights that followed. I felt cold and scared and kept inspecting the room for any sight of him. It had felt that real to me.

Almost a week had gone by when I anxiously and literally ran to church. I was hoping I could find relief from this negative, cold, emptiness that I just could not shake. I just wanted it to go away. The theme of the church service that morning was scripture study. I remember hearing that those who make a habit of reading the scriptures on a daily basis would experience great peace, happiness and joy in this life. That reading the scriptures would bring light and feelings of comfort. Ok, as soon as I heard this I knew that was exactly what I needed, peace, happiness, light and comfort. I determined to go home and accept this challenge starting right now. I began reading that afternoon. Indeed, after a few nights I was able to sleep again with the light off and soon began to experience the promised blessings of light, peace and happiness. I was so grateful and still am.

Weeks later I was reflecting on all that had happened and realized what I had learned about myself through this experience, which I will share.

By reading the scriptures I began to feel better, when I started feeling better, I soon could see I had become a very negative person. Negative about me, my life. I was so unkind, belittling and judgmental of myself. I really did not consider being hard and negative toward myself a sin or problem and did not realize I was doing anything wrong. I really had no idea of the harm I was doing to myself. I was surely blinded and did not see that this negative self-talk was hurting me just as it would have hurt anyone else I might have directed it at. I don’t know why I had this experience with the little dark figure but I can tell you that it really scared the hell out of me. It quite literally woke me up, in more ways than one. Maybe the little dark figure just represented all that negativity that was trying to take over my thoughts and move in, so to speak. Anyway he hasn’t been back and hopefully he never will.

 I work on having positive self-talk every day now. That is, I try really hard to be gentle with myself and as kind as I might be to a stranger. It is not easy though it has become easier over the last few months. It really has been a key to my success helping me lose weight. Dieting seems like it is a physical thing and I always thought it mostly was, but I realize now it is also a head thing. Something positive good happens to your whole self, spirit, soul and body when your thoughts are positive. When you tell yourself that you deserve great and happy things. That you deserve to look, act and feel healthy and beautiful.

Losing weight and being beautiful is extremely hard while you are telling yourself that you are a loser and not worthy of anything good or happy. Believe me I have tried it and have not been successful.

I do feel my physical self changing as I lose weight. But as my thoughts improve I also feel my heart and soul changin and filling with positive light, love and kindness for who I am. And I might as well add another spiritual note to end on; Jesus Christ thought I was worth dying for just as he died for us all, so who am I to treat any of his children so unkindly? Even me, I am one of his daughters afterall.