The Twilight Zone for Butterflies

Part 1 - Facing your fears of Flying

“You Cannot Become a Butterfly if You are Afraid to Fly”

Just recently I decided to accept the opportunity to face one of my biggest fears…flying.

I had not flown in about 25 years and had vowed I would never do it again. Never, no never, EVER!

Flying for me? Well…I might as well be walking a tight rope across the Grand Canyon blind-folded, I would not have been any more afraid or convinced that I was facing certain death.

Seriously…not over stating my fear here of flying in the least. Ever see
Twilight Zone the Movie, with John Lithgow? Don’t remember all the details of the movie but John plays a passenger who sees a demon on the wing of the plane and no one will believe him. He has what my mother would call a “Conniption Fit” right there on the plane and is carried away to the Looney Bin. Well, that is ME on a plane!

Seriously…if I am on the plane “I” am the one in charge of holding it up in the air…if I relax the plane will go DOWN…that is why I am sick at the end of the flight…I have been holding the ridiculous thing up the whole time, see what I mean… LOONEY!!!!!

So why then did I? 
Well, A couple of reasons.

·         Need to see family. A fireman runs into a burning building to save a child not because he is fearless but because he has a purpose greater than the fear itself. I wanted to conquer my fear of flying because my grandchildren were waiting at the end of the flight. Need was greater than fear J

·         I wanted to see if I could look a fear in the eyes and conquer. I have been trying to change…and I am sick of fear keeping me from life.

I recently had a conversation with some dear old friends who wanted to join an exercise class together for seniors. “Stretching” and “Senior” mostly were the two words that hit me the hardest. “Yuck” I immediately responded, “I don’t want to stretch…I want Zumba.” One friend rolled his eyes and asked what? I could see he did not know what Zumba was so my response was, “well…never mind, just said I WANTED to!” I think what I was really trying to tell him was I am just not ready to stretch out and die. I want to do something different…something wonderful and feel that rush of success.

“Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact. “

~ Henry James

How does this relate to my butterfly quest?? Simple, fear of success at certain points in my life has kept me from being all I was meant to be. I have faced a lot of changes over the last year but find that being afraid is one of the saddest and immobilizing attributes I own. And even though I have worked hard on it, I still see it in my life and character. So when I decided to face this fear of flying, if was just me saying…FEAR, look out…I am done with you.

 Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you NOT to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel unsure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~ Marianne Williamson

So on Feb 24^th at 8 am, I arrived at the Atlanta airport to fly for the first time in 25 years and see my grandchildren.

My daughter Peggy told me she would like to accompany me on my first flight as a moral support. I agreed because honestly… like I said, I wanted to SEE if I could conquer the fear…I really was not sure I could. We left together; she planned to return to her family in two days and I would spend a couple of weeks in Houston with daughter Cheryl and her children. I was way excited and because Peggy was with me, I did not get nervous until we started through security.

Peggy was more nervous about the long term parking than flying. She was unsure of leaving her car parked in a lot for a few days and wanted to arrive early enough that anything unforeseen would not keep us from being late for the flight. We ended up with an hour to kill in the terminal and then another half hour on the run way because of weather.

The anticipation by now was starting to get to me a bit. As we sat there on the run way in this tiny little plane, I started to feel closed in. It was one of those two-seats-on-each-side of a 12 inch walk way down-the-middle planes, and everyone, and I do mean almost everyone had to duck their heads just to walk down the center of the plane. Bad weather in the area made for a pretty bumpy take off. But, as I had been encouraged to do by my sister law, I watched the faces of those who traveled a lot; you know the business-man-type with brief cases, suits and such. Ok...found one, he seemed unconcerned enough alright and the sight of him helped me somewhat as I tried to take comfort in the fact that the guy was obviously a frequent flyer cause he had already fallen asleep. :-P   Show Off!!

With my eyes glued to a book, a spiritual tone book, the rest of the ascent, I was able to make  it without causing a scene. Somehow the book being spiritual made me feel safer. As I looked up the center isle of the plane I noticed the upward angle that we were still pointing in, kinda like a rocket ship and as I heard the pilot announce that once we climbed to ten thousand feet we should be out of the turbulence my jaw fell and so did my heart. 10 THOUSAND feet…10 THOUSAND feet… 10 THOUSAND feet… was ALL I really heard and kept rehearing in my head over and over…Oh My Gosh, exactly how high is that??

A mental picture of one of my grandchildren popped into my mind’s eye, “I can do this”, “L “Although I will not be able to touch the ground for sure though for a bit.” I could feel my hands doing the old white-knuckle-routine so I tried to make my fingers relax, one finger at a time. Ah...Success!! I looked down at my hands and was relieved that my hands and fingers finally looked relaxed.

Why though did I still feel so tense? Oh…no wonder I thought, as I realized my toes were now curled tightly under and trying to hold on to something. Ok, just breathe, breathe… and as I mentally tried to think of the sweet little faces of dearly loved grandchildren we finally reached 10 THOUSAND feet, I knew this because the plane leveled out.  OMG! 10 THOUSAND feet!  OK…I looked at Peggy who seemed pretty comfortable, and I was finally able to relax and uncurl my toes BUT had to keep reading pretty continuously for about an hour. Peggy kept smiling at me and saying, “You are doing great Mom. You don’t look nervous at all.” I reached over and touched her arm with my sweaty hand and said, looks can be deceiving. She smiled again, this time though it was a smile of sympathy and concern.

“The fears you don’t face control you. The fears you face, you move beyond”

Finally I was beginning to feel somewhat calm. Even laughing and joking a bit with Peggy, and then… the concern for me went from the bumpy ride to the urgent feeling of fullness in my bladder.

Peggy was feeling the same but had told me that she could hold- it until we reached Houston. I asked her how long do you think that will be. She said maybe about an hour or so…Oh!...Of course I knew immediately that I now would be facing another challenge, one that I had not even considered before the flight. Moving around in the plane and using the tiny little closet at the back of the plane as a bathroom.

Someone my age should never wait an hour to relieve her bladder especially if your children refer to you as ‘Deep River Woman.’ You may use your imagination about that term of endearment or nick-name they have choosen for me J .

I learned the hard way and long ago that there is not much that is more embarrassing than wetting your pants in a public place,L unless it is losing them? Which I have experienced as well, and that is even more or just as humiliating. Anyway I knew not answering the call of nature could cause even more challenges. I did have a change of clothes with me, in my carry-on but… I had heard that airplane bathrooms are not much bigger than linen closets. With a mental picture of my arms and legs wedged in a linen closet as I tried to change my pants, and without any further hesitation, I said, “gotta go now…can’t wait.” “ I will go first and if I make if back… then at least  you will know it is safe to go”, I smiled and got up, ducked my head and back I went to find the little water closet.

I was surprised to see a couple of people, a lovely young lady and her mom, seated directly across from the bathroom. Geez! and Holy Cow! simultaneously crossed my mind. This is very impersonal isn’t it? In the space where there would have been a matching two seats right across from this young lady and her Mom, the airline had placed a water closet.  My personal bubble is bigger than that… I don’t care if there is a door between us. Still I knew the consequences of waiting too long and holding it could be a greater challenge for me than the linen-closet-size bathroom and the cute little 13 year old girl and her mother. Who by the way, did not seem to be enjoying sitting there anymore than I enjoyed that they were there. I wondered if they got a discount on the price of their seats as I went in and closed the door behind me.

I will not put you through the antics that took place next. Let’s just say I managed, but I could not find the handle to flush the toilet at the end of my turn. All I saw was a “RED” button. It was pretty dark in the water closet…which tells you I had not been successful at even finding a light switch…so how was I going to find the flushing thingy?

Now I have a question…why would the airline paint the flushing button” RED”. I have always been very cautious about the color “RED”…you know “RED” is what the rest of the world uses as STOP – CAUTION –DANGER!!! There in the darkness I could make out a few other buttons but the red one was the biggest and still I could not read the word on it.

I debated for a minute that that was probably the right one to push but before I could reach over and give it a push, the movie “Get Smart” with Steve Carrell started playing out in my mind. You know the scene where he goes to the bathroom in the plane, pushes the wrong button and the floor drops out from under him. I just knew that was the same button he pushed…and that the bathroom floor was eagerly waiting to disappear beneath my feet and then dump me out mid-air. Dare I push that RED button? As I stared down at the floor and reflected on the voice of the pilot who had said I was 10 THOUSAND feet high… I did the only thing that I could do… closed the lid to the toilet… and left the scene as quickly as possible. J I apologize to all you germ nuts! :-P  NOT! Closing the lid was the best I could do.

I can just hear my Cheryl… "did you at least wash your hands?”

The answer…NO!

I think that was a pretty successful trip to the bathroom considering all the challenges I faced… but as I sat down I smiled at Peggy and told her in my best Jim Carrey, “Hew! Don’t go in there!”

This one actually looks more like one in a larger plane. I know the one I used was maybe half this size.

“You must do the things you think you cannot do. “

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

The rest of that flight was pretty uneventful; accept for a bumpy descent into Houston.

Another attempt at facing my fears

Oh, forgot to mention...when Peggy got up to go to the water closet I traded seats with her…so now I was sitting by the window. This was another purposeful attempt on my part to face my fear. I even managed to open it for a couple of seconds three or four times as we descended and finally landed. When I finally felt the plane wheels hit the run way I threw the window completely open in celebration of God’s green earth. Man! Gravity is a great thing. Thank you God for gravity and that it holds me to ground J

The reward for facing my flying fears and going to Houston?? 

An amazing visit with my dear sweet Cheryl and my three Texas grandchildren. Well worth the challenge don’t you think?

I spent my birthday there and it was absolutely awesome to have the twins sing "happy birthday to grandma” and then help me ‘blow out’ the candles!

HOWEVER!! I still faced another flight in a couple of weeks
and this time I would be ALL ALONE!

The next leg of my trip would be March 8^th…on to see my Utah family

 J Stay tuned for

Facing My Flying Fears - Part Two – OR

“How to Get Lost in the Denver Airport for Dummies”

By the way…

“As we let our own Light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others”

So...you now have my permission to use my example to encourage and inspire you… FACE YOUR FEARS Butterflies!