SURROUNDED BY LIGHT IN THE MIDST OF DARKNESS…

Some time ago, I read…or tried to read, Henry David Thoreau’s book ‘Walden’.

Years after this struggle to read it… one particular passage in the book comes to my mind as I think about my new found feelings about light.

One afternoon I told my youngest son, Brian, that I had just finished reading, The Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom.  I explained to him that his older brother, Bobby had given it to me to read, excited to share a book with his mother that had inspired him.

As I talked about the book, Brian listen intently until I was finished…then he stood up to leave the room saying he would be right back. He returned to me in a few minutes with another book in his hand, “Here Mom, read this one…This book has inspired and meant a great deal to me at a time when I wasn’t sure what I believed anymore.”

I took the book, ‘Walden’ from Brian and placed the other book…The Five People You Meet in Heaven, in his hands. Bobby had instructed me to pass the book on to another reader when I had finished.

I found reading the book ‘Walden’ to be over-my-head for the most part, but I struggled to read it anyway because I wanted very much to know what had inspired my son.

I found there were very few places in the book that touched me as it had so obviously done for him. This was witnessed to me by the many highlights of certain passages and notes he made in the margins.  Some of the notes and highlights surprised me…because I couldn’t understand why he had felt so strongly about them. For the life of me, I could not see how they merited…the bright yellow “high-lighting”. But still, I took great delight in reading over and over these several highlighted passages as if I were a detective in search of my son’s inspirational journey.

The more I read, the more I was filled with wonder about what he had found there. What had he found in these highlighted passages that I could not see in the same way?

 I also found it interesting that the passages in the book that I had felt were worth highlighting, had not been marked by my son, nor did they win any notes in the margins.

In fact one of these passages struck me so profoundly that I was brought to feelings of awe and tenderness.  I could not understand why he had not bothered to highlight this passage. He had not even made so much as a chicken-scratch next to the paragraph. Had he gotten distracted and missed this part I wondered?

 When I read it…immediately I knew the author was baring testimony of the almighty as our creator…"How did these beautiful rainbow-tints get into the shell of the fresh-water clam, buried in the mud at the bottom of our dark river?

Here the author describes where the clams live embedded in the thick and slimy mud at the absolute bottom of darkness. Their abode was a place where no light had ever shone. Yet the clam’s shells were tinted with the colors of the rainbow.

How is it that a place so dark as to never before been influenced by the rays of the sun is tented with the colors of light? Why?

Although he did not say so, I think the author was testifying of his belief that God had marked the clam shells because he wanted us to understand that he was the creator of both heaven and earth and all that is in them.

This reading experience happened to me in 2011, almost 6 years ago. However I have reflected on this quote from the book many times, but now the quote brings up more questions for me….like why the great creator did really put these beautiful rainbow-tints in these clams? Was it just so we would wonder about why he did it, or was he trying to get us to see something else?

I’m not sure what Thoreau intended the reader to think or assume with this passage about these clams but to me, I see a lesson here about where God has placed his light and truth on this earth and how to find it.

Let me try to explain a little better…

I have been to my rock bottom or dark and muddy place…just like the clams…with thick darkness surrounding me on every side…and I testify that the light of the world was there for me.

I have come to believe that as I search for the light of Christ, I will find what I am looking for and what I need and in the right amount and in the timing that is best for me. 

And just so there is no misunderstanding, when I speak of the light of Christ in this posting I am referring to God’s truth and goodness.

Whatever amount of light I am capable of seeing… its there all around me…just waiting to be recognized…

Think of the most honorable, loyal, kind and loving parent you have ever known…now multiply that by a million and that is our Father in Heaven.

We are all loved with a love that is immeasurable, undefinable unrestricted and unlimited… and in such a way that it is unfathomable and baffling to even the greatest of human minds. Not because of anything we can do or be but simply because God is our Father and we are his children.

In a very personal way, I have experienced the love of this parent, God my Heavenly Father, who gently and patiently has brought me to his light in many different places and ways in my life time. Each time he does I become a little bit better at trusting and understanding his love.

In this last year I have been blessed to attend a program based on the 12 steps of AA or Alcoholics Anonymous. Each step in this program is supported and enhanced by scripture study. Although the program is based on the same 12 steps as AA it really is amazingly unique.

This program was created for Gods “addict” children, some of which have experience the world’s darkest situations in life. To these his children who have done, said and been of the darkest… he has inspired and given a program filled with light and truth. I have no doubt that it is his handiwork.

These addicts, many of them, come to the Savior as a last resort for they have tried everything humanly possible to recover on their own and found that they were powerless to help themselves. Truly they are searching for light at the bottom of their own dark and mirky rivers.

During the course of the year I have worked through the first 6 steps…and when I say worked….I mean it. It has not been an easy task for me...complete honesty is harder than I thought and is needed to have these steps work in your life.

Even though I still struggle with my darkness, the program has brought me to a new place in my life, a place of more light and finally peace.

However, yes I was drawn to the program…but I did not seek it out. I was looking for recovery and peace but wasn’t sure how to find it.

Sitting in a church meeting one Sunday, a woman was introduced as a missionary for the church’s addiction recovery program. She got up to share her testimony and changed my life forever.

I sat there, listening to her every word… and soaking up everything she said right into my heart. My feelings were so strong I could hardly sit still. I didn’t know why but I knew I needed to have this in my life.

At first I was afraid I wouldn’t be considered an addict among the others who participated… I thought they would think, “Hey, get a real addiction before you come here”. So I thought they would not take me serious if I went to the meetings or even want me there.

Of course I was wrong…I had no idea what it meant to be an addict or even what an addiction looked like. Actually the program teaches us that “anything” that keeps you separated from the spirit and light of the Lord can be an addiction.

I have sat next to recovering addicts from every addiction definition you could possibly consider.  I have heard some amazing and shocking stories from all kinds of recovery addicts who are looking for the light of Christ to heal them.  I have sat next to men and women addicted to everything from heavy drugs to co-dependency, fear, depression, eating disorders, pornography and things like well… just plain feeling empty and lost. In fact there is no darkness that his light cannot heal.

Some of these recovered addicts are now dedicated and loyally serving others in this program and have been for years.

The first time I went to a hard core meeting I was scared to death…thinking I surly do not want to be around people who have done such dark things…but my support person encouraged me to try some more meetings…I say more because for the first 6 months of my attendance in these recovery rooms, I only went to “all women” mtgs. However, my support assured me that I would find myself and be surprised at what I would learn about myself. She was so right.

One of the first times I attended a mixed meeting, I walked in and was kindly greeted by a happy and conservative looking middle aged man wearing a suit (white shirt and tie) on his suit jacket was pinned a name tag…It said he was a missionary for the addiction recovery program and I knew that meant that he was in charge of the meeting that night.

As I listened to him share his story…I learned he had been a lost young man addicted to several hard core drugs of which had led him to more addictions, as well as breaking the law and going straight to jail several times.

Now in recovery…his eyes wet with tears, he bore testimony that the atonement had healed him and that Jesus was his Savior.

As I watched and listened to him, I noticed a tattoo on his forearm. The bottom of the tat was just a little below the hem of his fresh white dress shirt…I wondered if that tatoo was a remnant of his old and former life as an addict? A constant reminder for him…of where he had come from and that the Savior had reached down to his rock bottom darkness and sent the light it took to save him?

I left that meeting, realizing probably for the first time in my life, that the promises that the Lord speaks of in the scriptures are true. The atonement is personal and unique and it is for each and every child on this earth.

I don’t know how the Savior was able to take upon himself all the sins of the world…every sin, sickness, trial, pain, addiction… every darkness we have ever known, everything we have ever done that needs to be paid for…I just know he did it.

And because the atonement was personal…he actually does know exactly how to succor his children…for he alone paid the ultimate price for our sins. He knows every heart personally.

 I sat in the car outside the meeting place for a long time after that meeting just pondering over what I had just witnessed. I had found light…not in any place I would have ever expected to find it. Never the less I had found it.

As I thought about the Savior the praise…”I am the light of the world”…began to be more real to me than I had ever imagined before.

He truly is this light the scriptures speak of. His light is everywhere…its out in plain sight but also in some of the lowliest of hiding places. The light of the world is in the rainbow when you are looking up…but if you are too weak to lift your eyes to heaven… no worries…he will bring that light to you into depths of whatever hell-hole or muddy mirky river you may find your-self in. There is no pit too deep that the atonement cannot reach you.

The Savior does not wait for you to become perfect before he comes to you…He comes to you where you are…at the bottom of the ladder or in the depths of despair. And although he will not force you…he waits with love to answer our calls for light. 

The atonement is not just to save you from death and give you eternal life…but it is literally there to save you, lift you, strengthen you, soften and change your heart and eventually even to sanctify you and make you a new creature in him. The atonement can refine you and make you fit to live with him in heaven. He truly is the light of the world.

Back to the book, Walden…yes that book was over my head…but not my sons head. The light he needed was there when he needed it, and in the right amount and perfect serving size.

As David wrote in the 23^rd psalm…He most definitely has prepared a table before you…and he is serving up light.

I have found God’s light in many places in my life time… I have seen his light in its tiniest of ray… its reflection barely recognizable as a glimmer of hope…in contrast I have seen its ever-over-flowing brightness and fullness, with absolutely all and more truth than you could ever think to ask for.

I guess I am just trying to say…we are all in this together…whatever light you need, it is there.

You may partake of all you want, when you want it and when you need it… His light never goes away, but you will need to open your eyes and heart and seek it...

Rest assured it is there in differing amounts and presented in different ways, as many and varied as needed for the many differing vision levels of his children.

How beautiful is this… that that same God who has taught us that “strait is the way and narrow is the path…and few there be that find it”, as made sure to leave light at every turn, at every gate, at every byway, on top of every mountain, in the lowest canyon on the lowest highway that might be walked by any of his children. He is not hiding his light but stands as a lighthouse in the darkness of the valley of the shadow of death.

Surely the love of a God who has left no stone unturned for his children to find, will eventually shed enough light upon us all that we can be guided, step by step, right up to that strait and narrow gate that we must eventually all pass through. This is my hope and prayer for me and for you.

Many of us are still blind to this truth, walking around in the midst of darkness too paralyzed and too afraid to open our eyes and just think outside the box of our own limited perspectives…afraid that the light is a lie or has changed or diminished. Is this true?

I testify to you that it is not... open your eyes…the answers, the peace, hope and the light you need is there even in the midst of your darkness.