May 22, 2018

LEARNING FROM LIFE’S STRUGGLES

The Storm of Desperation…

In the summer of 2014 I was at one of the lowest times of my life.

A few months earlier I had come from a relationship that had left me feeling broken, sad, forsaken, lost and helpless.

I felt like my heart and soul had been shattered into a million jagged and sharp pieces.

But the worse part was that my thoughts were irrational, and I was emotionally out of control.

Mere words cannot describe the scenes and scenarios that were in constant motion in my head and heart all day and night. They seemed to be repeating themselves; stuck on repeat like some sort of penitence or torment to drive me over the edge of insanity.

I was angry and discouraged with relationships; I couldn’t even watch a movie that involved a relationship. Even if the movie was funny; the whole audience would be rolling with laughter and I was just left with feelings of rage and disgust for both the genders.

This emotional upheaval had me spinning down and out and into a place I didn’t recognize.

In fact, I didn’t recognize me anymore. I felt completely lost and desperate and could not make any sense as to how this affliction could be mended.

We humans, (I’m supposing that most others are like me) are so interesting, when it comes to what we will try first when we are sick, hurt, broken or in despair.

Whether my ailments are physical, spiritual or emotional, I never fail to try for the easiest option or get well right now remedy.  But as I’ve learned easiest is not always the best.

One of the first remedies I decided I needed for my desperate heart was a sedative, or nerve pill.

This is what I remembered hearing my mother call it, when she thought someone was ‘Off their Rocker’ or acting insane. I can still hear her saying, “Someone put her out of her misery and give her a ‘nerve pill’. That will calm her down”.

Well, the day had finally come that I was she whom my mother had described…out of control, off my rocker and feeling very insane. I was deeply in need of a nerve pill.

Ask and you will receive… I did find one… and yes, I took it.

It helped.

I remember thinking right before I fell asleep,” Yay, this is going to work…I’m going to be all better now!” Then I drifted off into sweet sleep.

But as soon as the effects of the pill wore-off I woke up…and guess what?  

I was back to desperation.

Taking that pill was like trying to put a bandage over a cannon-ball wound and expecting everything to miraculously be healed.

Nothing I tried worked.

I walked the floor for days considering several other options like “running a way”.  Truly I did think that that might work, until I realized it was me I wanted to run away from.  

Finally, the thought came to me…… that there was no way anyone or anything could fix how I felt…unless it was the Lord.

With a broken heart and tears rolling down my cheeks I asked one of my brothers to please give me a blessing. He being a good and kind brother agreed. He then laid his hands upon my head and willingly and beautifully called on the Lord to bless and comfort me. He asked that I would be led to the things that would help me.  He then admonished me to trust in the Lord. He also told me to trust in my-self and my ability to follow the counsel and direction the Lord would surely give me.

Looking back on that summer day, I remember hoping my brother would ask the Lord to just heal me and take the desperation away. Although the prayer was comforting I was not healed that day.

But hind-sight as shown me the Lord had something else in mind for me.  Instead of a quick fix, the Lord wanted to restore my soul and change my heart.

He did not remove the storm of desperation but held my hand and He did lead me through it.

Broken Things to Mend

Jeffrey R. Holland

 Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostle

The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”¹ Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.

To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry…He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be...

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.”²

I posted just a small part of this beautiful and comforting talk given by an apostle of our Lord, mostly because I want to share what this verse of scripture has come to mean to me over the past four years.

I have heard this scripture many times in my life and every time I did, I always pictured myself yoked and weighted down by this gigantically heavy wooden yoke, the kind typically worn by two large oxen. In my mind they would always be pulling a great burdensome load.

Although I had always pictured this yoke as a two oxen yoke, not once did I ever notice the Savior beside me in this task.

Each time I ever considered taking His yoke upon me I only saw myself. 

Somehow, I believed that if I took His yoke upon me I would be so overwhelmed with the load that I would fall. For it was truly a load that only the Savior of mankind could possibly lift, and I did not see how this could be easy and light for me.   

The thought would always come to me that I did not understand this scripture.

For sure I did not.

However, I remember reading it about a year ago and a completely new picture formed in my mind.

This time, I saw the Savior pick me up from off the dusty ground and yoke Himself to me and my burdens. I pictured Him bearing this yoke right along beside me.

As I saw Him there, with me for the first time, I felt the weight of my afflictions lift… I witnessed him in His strength and power totally carrying the weight of this gigantic wooded yoke. The same yoke I had always imagined was mine alone to bear.

He lifted and carried for me what I was incapable of carrying. Totally easing my burden and pain with His atonement.

Looking into His eyes, in this same moment,  I saw compassion and a greater love and sympathy for me than I had ever known existed.

I saw for the first time one who knew me as no one ever has before. Yet knowing all my weaknesses and sins as He does, He was still willing to yoke Himself to me.

For the first time for me, this scripture took on a feeling of lightness, love, compassion and yes, rest.

I heard for the first time Him encouraging me to share my burdens with Him.

I heard him tell me that  if I would be willing, He would show me how meekness and lowliness of heart would bring rest to my soul.

 So, no…on the day my brother rested his hands upon my head and blessed me that my desperation would be comforted, it was not immediately taken from me.

Truly the Savior knew what I needed better than I did….and because of this, I have been blessed in ways that I would never have understood I needed.

Proverbs 3:5-6 King James Version (KJV)

⁵ Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

⁶ In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths

 He has always been with me…

I was living with my daughter, Peggy, in South Carolina at the time of my “Desperation” …

It was Peggy’s floors, where I before mentioned, where I had paced day and night trying desperately to find my way out of this dark emotional abyss I had fallen into.

She and some other family members who knew how lost I was feeling, were all very concerned for me. I talked openly to Peggy hoping by so doing she might think of some way to help me.

As I talked with Peggy one afternoon I told her I had decided to talk to someone professional  who could help me better understand my emotional and irrational thoughts and feelings. I thought maybe I needed to see a Psychologist or therapist of some kind.

Peggy told me about her friend, Stephanie who was a Christian counselor. She would call her if I wanted and see about getting me an appointment.

To Be Continued….