Why a Blog named Butterfly Wings?

November 2, 2011
Today my baby daughter came to this blog site with the intent to create a way for me to journal the changes going on in my life. I was hesitant at first because "the changes going on in my life" are just that, MINE, deeply personal and very emotional. I very rarely talk about it with anyone without shedding a few tears.  I told her it would be too embarrassing for me to reveal that negative, depressed and hopeless part of myself. Why would I want anyone to remember that soul who was so lost she did not even realize just 'how lost' she was and 'how low' she had fallen? With every argument I brought up as to why I shouldn't, she had a reason to do it anyway. Alas my daughter won. When she told me that she needed me to do it for her and her children I had nothing else to come back with. How can I a mother argue with that? So this site is dedicated to my family with all my heart and love but with a special request, that the people I love most in this life will not judge me too harshly and that anyone who reads this will keep an open mind as I try to be painfully honest.

Butterfly Wings is about a change or metamorphous. A stepping out from the dark into the light. A search for the true and best of myself. A remembering of who I am, why I am here and what is unique and special about me. Freedom from fear of failure.
Of course this is my definition as I see it playing out in my life right now; maybe it will change some as I continue.

If you choose to read along as I go, just remember, although I lived it I am NOT proud of it, just deeply grateful for divine intervention. 

The first picture is July 2010, the second is May 2011 and the last is September 2011

In the last picture I am half way to my goal weight. I have lost about 70 lbs.



One day the first part of September 2011 I found myself sitting in front of this computer in a stupor, starring at that first photo above. Tears streamed down my face as I starred at the image of my former self. Funny I remember being, what I thought was pretty happy on that day. I spent that day with my oldest son in the smoky mountains. As I saw it again for the first time in months, I realized how sad and lost I really was.  
I remember feeling numbness or what might have been a failure to connect to reality. I really think you can see it in my countenance as you compare the second and then the third pictures there. This numbness seems to have faded by leaps and bounds in the last shot revealing a different and happier looking woman. Barely recognizable as the first.
Although I have begun to change and am happier now than I have been in years I am far from satisfied with where I am. Regrets that I waited so long to struggle through this change are overwhelming at times. The ifs can be quite painful. What if I had made this journey long ago for myself and for the people I love?
Although my weight cannot be blamed for all my failures, I have to wonder where we would be today. It would be different I am sure. Despite regrets, I hope that it is not too late to print a healthier, happier and more complete woman's image in my family's hearts. I so want them to have a better example to contemplate as they struggle with their own demons in this life. And so, I am hoping by sharing my story, like therapy, I will find the strength to finish my change and hopefully make the road they travel a little less painful. And if it so be that someone else who reads this is encouraged in this process then all the better.
"It is never too late to become all that you were meant to be"